I have personally always believed that while valuable and helpful in understanding our mind, traditional psychology is very limiting and does not touch domains of our human experience in the spiritual realm that are outside our mind.

This Christian approach is a great framework for understanding spiritual therapy in relationship with God.

What is Spirituotherapy

Spirituotherapy: a word coined by Charles Solomon to identify an approach to spiritual counseling that makes the believer’s relationship to the cross of Christ/God and its significance central to its method and goal. 

It is also known as exchanged life counseling. In spirituotherapy, the holy spirit and God renew the mind and transform the life according to Romans 12:2 not the person’s own doing or self-improvement.  

It is a therapy of surrender/commitment and a reminder of alignment in God in each moment and day, not work on strengthening the self which is a typical practice of our modern world and in psychological approaches.

What Plays a Role in Developing Mental Issues

While it’s impossible to know the exact causes of issues as some may simply be biological and some may be due to life events our conditioning can play a role in the development of these problems. In particular, rejection.

Rejection and Its Effects

• Rejection in some form or another is a common thread running through the lives of people with mental and emotional problems
• Sometimes the rejection is more significant and noticeable and other times it is very subtle
• Rejection means the absence of meaningful love or the feeling of being loved for who the person truly is not having to conform to others’ needs to be approved
• The result of rejection is usually the impaired ability to give and receive love
• The overprotected child is also rejected since they are not allowed to make decisions appropriate to their age so they don’t develop confidence in themself or their decision-making ability
• At the core of rejection and mental/emotional patterns is the development of the belief that someone is not safe, not loved, or not capable in who they are so they create compensatory behaviors and ways of pushing out who they are truly

Next, let’s discuss the topic of identity as what we identify with plays a major role in what we look to for support as well as how we view ourselves.

Identity (Needing Approval From Others vs a Child of God)

• Identity is important in any counseling situation because what each person sees as their identity or the identity they want to have will determine where they look for acceptance
• Most people live with an identity that has been assigned to them either positive or negative depending on the extent of rejection or with an identity they have built for themself based on their life experiences
• An identity that is based on things, money, people, power, status, symbols, or the lack of them is subject to change many times and is not a good foundation to live on
• There is a difference between our fleshly identity and our spiritual identity. Fleshly meaning what we are as a result of human resources and spiritually meaning what we are through the holy spirit’s power
• As with the problem of rejection, the cure for an unacceptable fleshly identity is a true spiritual identity, which only a proper relationship with Christ/God can give us
• Some are programmed for money and accumulation, success in business, athletic achievement, sensuality, intellectual prowess, or even religious pursuits. For the believer, all of these are false since our true identity is who we are in Christ
• The solution is exchanging our fleshly personal history identity and the influence of indwelling sin for our perfect identity in God
• This transaction takes a miracle but it is the miracle in which the holy spirit majors. The holy spirit does not enter our lives to patch up our old identities but to put into effect our true identity as redeemed children of God
• Our identity is based on who we are in Christ and it is to be claimed by faith, not by works or self-improvement. We shed the trappings of the past by exchanging our fleshly identity for Christ’s life, by exchanging a life of defeat for a life of victory
• Each of us must define our identity and look at it squarely to understand what we must lose to live out our true identity in Christ. We must lose our baby which has been in the formation stage for a lifetime if we are to know the joy and blessing of being a child of God

How Spirituotherapy Works

• Our thoughts, behaviors, and emotions derive from an identity we may not have recognized or that was not founded on truth but created from our childhood and views that we accepted unconsciously
• Our motivation for some of our present actions is based on this identity
• Human beings can be thought of in a few parts
  • Body
  • Soul/Mind
  • Spirit
• Our true identity in God is the cure and helps to resolve the psychological and interpersonal symptoms
• We can communicate with God through the spirit if we allow it
• Spiritual death occurs when we block God in our lives
• When humans are in union with God the soul, spirit, and body function optimally with ease communicating in the proper directions
• The soul is our self-consciousness or psychological makeup, the spirit is our god consciousness or where we relate to God, and the body is how through our five senses we relate to the world and environment 
• The soul is composed of the mind, emotions, and the will
• After the fall and when we block God in our lives self-centeredness takes hold of the functioning of the trichotomy 
• The control center is either living out of your resources or out of God’s resources
• At the fall adam and eve’s identity shifted from God to themselves in relation to Satan
• The problem is not the individual acts that are committed but that someone is in an entirely different relationship and sphere 
• The spirit can be dead to God and alive to Satan which happens when we turn away and block the proper flow of the spirit to soul to body

An image of this process before the fall into darkness:

An image of this process after the fall away from God:

Individual Components in Spirituotherapy

Salvation

• Entering into a personal relationship with God through faith in Jesus
• Unless God and Jesus are in our lives changes cannot be made
• Before we trust God in our exchange and surrender the holy spirit must show and convince us in our lives that we are flawed, cannot do this on our own, and are “sinners”
• God saves us when we truly believe and call upon him
• After salvation, we must learn to rejoice in what God has already done and what he will do for us

Assurance

• It is possible to be saved but not assured of that salvation
• Our assurance must be based on the works of God and Jesus in scripture rather than our fluctuating feelings
• The person labeled neurotic most often wants to feel something rather than believe it or they need to feel evidence before believing 
• When the emotions are being controlled by lies the person has been believing, there is no way the emotions will ever agree with the truth. A person may know mentally that they are saved but never feel assurance
• Emotions can start to change once you decide to believe that you know you are saved and trust that your emotions will eventually adjust to that if you live by faith, not by sight or feelings

Security

• Assurance and security go hand in hand
• Our relationship with God is unbreakable and eternal
• If we do not realize this our assurance cannot be solid and we will fear losing it and compensate by trying to do lots of work. As a result, we cease to live trusting in God’s grace and begin to live again trusting in our obedience to the law for salvation and not by faith/grace
• Unless someone is secure in their relationship with God they are unlikely to mature in that relationship
• This is the same as attachment theory in psychology which is based on loving attachment to our caregivers when we are young. Depending on if we had this secure attachment in our lives we will relate to God in this way but we need to forgo our own patterns and have faith in the secure attachment with God that he has shown.

Acceptance

• Our acceptance by Christ does not depend on our works, church attendance, or how much we read the bible it depends on faith in what has already been done and opening up to God in a personal relationship
• A lot of people who feel that no one accepts them come to have the same relationship with God and try to prove it over and over again
• We must take God at his word and believe what he says regardless of how we may feel about it. As we do that, our feelings begin to line up with the facts.

Total Commitment

• Total commitment or surrender to God’s will is the only thing we can do personally as it is our reasonable service after salvation, assurance, security, and acceptance
• It is an act of will telling God that we want his will done in our lives more than anything else
• We may not know his specific purpose for our lives but after we have wholly committed our lives to him, he begins to bring it to pass
• Each person has to accept God in their lives by their own will and not by the doing of anyone else and only the person and God know if they are committed 
• When someone doesn’t commit their life to God they need to see the futility of running their own life or ruining it, as is frequently the case, and come to the place where they are ready to say “Lord I want to take my hands off my life, I want you to run it.”
• This decision is like a marriage ceremony or any initiation ceremony where the people commit to a union or follow the path outlined
• Once we exercise our will things can change slowly over time or more dramatically based on the amount of internal surrender
• Our surrender and faith in God must be complete to where we have given over our control of body, emotions, life situation, and life to where God is controlling it only 
• Upon our decision of total commitment Christ replaces self at the center of our lives
• For a lot of Christians, Christ can be in their lives but not the center of their lives
• If Christ and God is not centered in our lives then someone or something else is 
• Often something that we think will make us happy replaces God at the center of our lives (personal ambition, worldly pleasures, money, success, a person, a human belief)
• Usually, we strive to get something we are putting at the center of our lives and once the newness of it wears off we are left empty with a hollow victory
• Whatever is placed in the center of our lives becomes the driving force that ignites the spirit and changes the soul and body to represent that 
• God does not want us to work and live for him he wants to work through us and ignite us and this is a lesson many Christians never learn 
• This is usually learned through hardship, trial, and suffering until we come to a point where we deal with self and the self is no longer the center of our lives
• We are doing in order to be instead of correctly being in order to do

Challenges We Face in The Soul or Mind

• The following are difficulties people face in the psychological or soul realm:
  • Inferiority
  • Insecurity
  • Inadequacy
  • Guilt (real or imaginary)
  • Worry, doubt, fear
• Faulty faith leads to irrational fears
• Fear can shrink lives and cause people to start avoiding everything 
• The result of all 5 of these internal affiliations is frustration
• The frustration often times is turned inward and if the self is alive it can create chaos and external/internal damage
• Most forms of psychotherapy teach people how to deal with frustration, hostility, avoidance, or external symptoms
• The problem is not in knowing how to handle the hostility but in knowing how to prevent it because the cycle will continue if you just focus on handling the symptoms
• When hostility is kept inside it can affect our minds, emotions, or both 
• If it influences the mind:
  • Fantasy
  • Paranoia
  • Obsessive thoughts
• If it influences the emotions:
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
• The anxiety, depression, and thoughts are usually contained until it starts affecting the body 
• If a person has the peace of God which passeth all understanding he cannot continue to have unabated emotional conflict
• Ultimately, the physical and psychosomatic symptoms are spiritual problems
• To summarize, it is because self is at the center of life that all of this conflict develops and continues to grow. The problems may have been there since childhood, but the fact that they continue means that self is running the life. It may be a good self or bad self or in between but it is still self and self is repugnant to God
• In psychotherapy, the self is strengthened and the defense mechanisms are built greater
• Self-centeredness always gets worse when the symptoms improve with psychotherapy and this is opposed to what God does as he reduces self and it becomes weaker and weaker until he and Christ control 
• When Christ becomes the center of the life instead of the self there is no need to strengthen self to prevent symptoms but instead an exchange is made and the thoughts and emotions can reorient over time to that of God
• When Christ is at the center he can meet our needs as he has free rein to live out his life through us. Christ does not feel insecure, inadequate, guilty, worry, doubt, or fear so those things are progressively dispelled from the life
• If they are gone from putting God at the center then there is no longer frustration mounting up inside us
• If christ is at the center when outer stresses occur we do not react with hostility rather christ in us responds just the opposite- with love, understanding, and compassion and over time the conflict subsides inside and the symptoms ease
• Depending on the damage the body has suffered it can take time to heal
• One thing to note is that when we are in Christ and he is in us we are in his eternal presence and outside time, the events that occurred to Jesus also occur to us when we are with him

Visual of Soul Issues with Self Running Our Life:

Visual When Self is Exchanged for God/Christ Running Our Life:

How Do We Put Christ At The Center of Our Lives

• The will and decision to have faith despite the evidence is the foundation of exchanging your selfish life for Christ
• The will is the vital function since the emotions of people with afflictions are most likely at variance with the facts of God’s word
• As we choose against the world and the flesh and the devil and count upon indwelling Christ to be our life, we are choosing to have our minds renewed by the Holy Spirit
• As a consequence of this decision our emotions and thoughts are eventually brought into congruence with the truth so that we can walk not after the flesh but after the spirit and abide in him
• In some this occurs gradually in others it can be quicker and more dramatic but one thing that starts to happen is they start to know that a new awareness of being in Christ is starting to alter their attitudes 
• We must realize that this identification awareness is an event that takes place at a point in time and experience. The process may be so gradual that we are not able to identify that crisis point but the result is unmistakable-self is dethroned and Christ is enthroned
• We enter in by the cross through the death and resurrection with Christ and we may realize at new birth that not only was he crucified for us but that we were crucified with him
• It’s important to realize that you don’t try to live a Christian life but Christ lives through you and all you need to do is let him live in you 
• There is no way we can live a Christian life, it is a life of faith and we cannot live a Christian life it’s not a set of rules that we keep
• Until we deal with the self we will continue to struggle perhaps even asking him to help us but this is not allowing God to live in us but trying to harness self-life to work for God

What Spiritual Maturity Means

• Maturity is generally defined in terms of refraining from sinful activities and being involved in Christian service, frequently this has little or no spiritual significance in that there is relatively little permanent change in lifestyle
• Emotional symptoms usually start to get worse as the body begins to lose its reserve of physical stamina. In our younger years, we have sufficient strength to maintain our defense mechanisms and be productive in our lives but as we age that declines
• As we age we learn that there is insufficient brain and brawn to fight the internal and external battles
• Essentially total commitment and identification with God/Christ is what propels someone’s spiritual maturity while the average person who is “Christian” just tries to follow laws and Christian customs and maintains an average or below average position in Christ and never commits 
• Primarily because of ignorance, the cross of Christ doesn’t become a practical experience for many until years after the life has been surrendered to Jesus. God uses adverse circumstances along with enlightenment in his word to bring us to the end of our resources. 
• The transformation may be gradual or sudden and occasionally there is a period of near euphoria because of the peace and freedom the person has realized which may last for hours or days but inevitably self-sneaks back into control 
• When self sneaks back into control and the person is down the person is ripe for satanic attacks as satan always hits us when we are down, this is the only time he can get to us
• When we revert to self-control the remedy is the same, to recognize, and to revert our self-control as dead to sin and alive to God
• It is not a one-time experience that ensures constant victory but a daily practice and commitment to God
• We must experience assurance of identification with Christ since unless we have recognition and assurance of identification with God we cannot rest in the finished work of Christ 
• After we have experienced identification however the battles are more severe than before if we try to fight them with our strength

An Image of Spiritual Development:

Intellectual Understanding Then What

• The cross was a place of humiliation, suffering, shame, and loneliness for our lord and it will be the same for us
• We must be willing to commit ourselves to him completely, study, and wait for him to reveal himself in us
  • It may be gradual or take some kind of crisis

Common struggles people go through after surrender:

Total Surrender: any further progress in spiritual maturity and deliverance from enslaving emotional symptoms comes after total surrender which is when we permit our father to take us to the cross. It is an act of will and our emotions may act against it but we know it is the only way

Morbid Introspection: Many people with more neurotic behavior spend too much time looking inward. They may be searching for sin or trying to alter this or that behavior. Those who feel hopeless may spend a lot of time contemplating their worthlessness or seeing reasons why they can’t do things. The more they fixate on their problems the more miserable they become and they think that God will reward them for this effort. We need to allow God to search us not vice versa. 

Spiritual Vertigo: This affects a lot of Christians. This is when someone may have been accustomed to flying and operating based on sight and feel so instrument flying presents a new challenge-they must fly by faith rather than sight and feel. They must have complete confidence in their instrument (God) that the confidence will override their feelings. People with neuroses feel inferior, unacceptable, insecure, and have a set of emotions that are at variance with the facts of reality. We cannot change our emotions and how they developed, it is God’s job and we must put our faith in him and allow him over time to change our emotions to be in line with his truth. God will honor his word and keep his promises even if we don’t feel he will.

Spiritual Surgery: When the experiential removal of self as the master of life occurs it has many similarities to physical surgery. Before physical surgery, there is usually a period during which a person suffers from certain symptoms. The suffering convinces him that there is a problem. Often the patient will try various remedies that suppress the symptoms in a vain effort to avoid surgery. This is the same as spiritual surgery. Christians try everything to avoid the spiritual surgery that needs to take place if they are to be set free and unhindered in their service to the lord. Even after they know that surgery is the only way out they avoid it as long as possible. Whatever painful circumstance we are experiencing it is permitted by God to point out the necessity of spiritual surgery. As the surgeon makes preparations the patient is rendered helpless as the surgeon doesn’t want or need help with the surgery. Similarly, God must take us through defeat, failure, and suffering to render us helpless so that he can do his work. The surgeon of the body uses the scalpel and God the surgeon of the soul uses the cross to the source of the problem, the self.

Putting Suffering in Perspective: Meaningless suffering is agony in extreme but when we can put God’s lenses on our suffering to see the goal he has in view then we are afforded an entirely new view on suffering. God uses these circumstances to force people to the end of themselves. When people realize the reason for their suffering they can quit fighting god and allow him to do with it until he accomplishes his purpose. God will co-operate with you until he takes you to the cross and sets you free.

The Death Blow: Suffering takes place over a period of time as the cross does its work but there must come a time when self yields completely to the cross. Sometimes there is a period of deep anxiety before the end. As in physical death sometimes there is sudden death without a struggle. Even though a believer realizes that he is being drawn to the cross, it is almost as if the lord has to drag him all the way, while the person clutches at everything he passes. It was only after the suffering that Jesus entered the resurrection life. Prolonging the suffering is not going to do any favors. In our spiritual journey, the crucifixion’s suffering precedes the resurrection’s power. We must experience and enter into his life before we can experience his life manifest in us. Many times we try to rescue ourselves because we dread the pain and humiliation but one by one God eliminates the things that provide some relief. When we fear that there is no way out but death we have arrived at the truth. God’s strength is made perfect in our weakness.

The New Life: When the process of this crucifixion experience is consummated the result is spiritual resurrection life. It could be a gradual or a crisis revelation but the transformed life with its freedom is the proof that the Christ life has become a reality. The manifestation of his life is different in each person. It’s important to note that self will have a tendency to come back into control and it takes an effort of our will each day to reckon ourselves dead to sin and allow Jesus to express his life in us. We are not to test every thought and thing each day but instead to commit our life each day to God and trust him to control us and each situation to his glory. Committing, trusting, and reckoning.

The Great Exchange

• The two identities: one designed by the world and one by the spirit

World identity is designed as we develop as persons and begin to view ourselves as others see us or as we think they see us and sometimes as we would like for them to see us. This assessment of ourselves may be unrealistically positive or negative. In either case, it is an identity built on people, performance, possessions, power, and our past. Such an identity is built on doing for ourselves and others. 

We are doing in order to be.

Godly Identity from the scriptures has nothing to do with the way we see ourselves in relation to others or what our behavior is or has been. 

It is an identity based on being in Christ and finding our life in him. It is being to do instead of doing to be. Such an identity is not earned but learned through the holy spirit and obtained by faith.

• The identity assigned by the world is based on doing and the identity based on God is dying and being resurrected with Christ.
• Christians are not naturally prone to stand in line at the cross to die. It is much more palatable to gain an intellectual understanding of our identity in Christ and to attempt to live out of it without going through the trials of the cross.

The Ups and Downs After

• Often we will regress into our fleshly patterns even after experiencing the exchanged identity
• We must take into account the fact that the flesh (self) can never be improved- even after the cross has become a reality in the believer.

The process of a downer:

• Victory and living through the spirit may be maintained for some time
• When we approach obstacles and trials most often people will regress into the fleshly life
• Most of the time the first step in the downward spiral is becoming too prideful or arrogant and forgetting God/ not committing each day to allow Christ to live through you and instead trying to do everything in self
• Since you have been in control of things for most of your life it is easy to fall back into living through self and not God
• Understanding your own sequence over time gives you a spiritual altimeter 
• When we are doing well the devil or satan sees us at the front line for attacks so it’s important to know what those look like
• Also, uppers can be just as deceiving as downers as riding the emotions too high when we are doing well can lead to a fall 

The Downward Path:

Without having some awareness of these patterns your relationships will most likely play out in automatic ways that can be good but also destructive if your style clashes with your partner.

In this post, I will touch on the basics of how attachment works in relationships. If you want to learn more about attachment theory in general check out the post I wrote about it here. 

Also, I learned a lot of this information from reading the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.

3 Different Types of Attachment Styles

There are three main types of attachment styles.

1. Anxious: these people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry a lot about their partner’s ability to love them and fear abandonment
2. Avoidant: these people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness because they are afraid of intimacy 
3. Secure: secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and comfortable with independence which allows for healthy relationships

These attachment styles predict how people respond differently to their views of intimacy, conflict, sex, communication of desires, and their expectations of their partner. 

All people in society fall into one of these categories or a combination of these categories. Understanding your and your partner’s attachment style is an easy way to reliably predict people’s behavior in any romantic situation.

We are programmed to act in a predetermined manner in relationships.

A Word On Dependency

We live in a culture that tends to scorn basic needs for intimacy, closeness, and dependency while exalting independence. 

While independence and self-reliance are awesome, we can’t forget the paradox that to have independence and self-reliance someone first needs a healthy level of internal attachment security.

This healthy attachment comes from dependency. Dependency with another loved one such as when we are kids with our caretakers or when we are adults with our romantic partners and friends.

The more dependent we are on one another the more independent and daring we become in our lives because we have secure connection as a base.

You can develop this healthy internal attachment on your own, but the reality is that as humans we are wired to be with other people in relationships. Our relationships play a role in co-regulating our physiology and internal security to take action in the world.

In summary, dependency is healthy, that is if we are with the right partner. 

If we are with the right attachment partner, there is co-regulation, support, and growth. 

On the other hand, if we are with the wrong partner who does not provide for our basic attachment needs then this can cause problems. 

This is why having a basic understanding of your attachment style and how it works with others helps you choose the right partner and communicate effectively.

Attachment Styles in Relationships

The first step in improving your relationships from an attachment perspective is understanding your attachment style. 

In general without taking a test the following are the basic principles of attachment styles:

• Secure: If you feel comfortable with intimacy with your romantic partner and don’t obsess much about the relationship or your partner’s ability to love you back you’re probably secure
• Anxious: If you crave intimacy and closeness but have a lot of insecurities about where the relationship is going, and little things your partner does tend to set you off you’re probably anxious
• Avoidant: If you feel uncomfortable when things get too close, value your independence and freedom more than the relationship, and don’t tend to worry about your partner’s feelings or commitment towards you, you’re probably avoidant

The key is to understand what your attachment style is and what your partner is so that you can determine how to best work together and decide if it’s going to be a good fit.

The Anxious Attachment Style in Relationships

Anxious attachment styles need a lot of intimacy and reassurance in relationships.

Below are some of the key common points for the anxious attachment style:

• They are usually more worried about their partner leaving them or breaking up and require reassurance
• They usually overestimate their partner’s talents and underestimate their own
• They usually have some anxiety when they are not around their partner 
• When their system gets activated they can excessively attempt to reestablish contact
• They can go into game playing or trying to make their partner jealous when the partner is busy and they haven’t heard from them

People with anxious attachment styles should not be dating someone avoidant because they need closeness and are more sensitive to signs of rejection or prolonged absence which avoidant people naturally do. 

The anxiously attached should find a more secure partner so that there is less avoidance and game-playing in the relationship and the secure person can help them manage their emotions as well as provide reassurance and clarity.

The Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships

Avoidants are those people who are uncomfortable or scared of intimacy.

They tend to run at signs of emotional activation and have a harder time communicating in emotional situations. They are usually more self-reliant and less into social dependency as well as being more critical of others.

Below are some of the key common points for the avoidant attachment style:

• Usually have a harder time committing
• Can pull away after things start going well
• They focus on small imperfections in partners 
• Check out mentally when their partner is talking to them about something emotional or important to the relationship’s future
• They tend to keep more things secret and avoid physical closeness

For avoidants, the following steps can help:

1. Learn to identify deactivating strategies when you start to run at signs of intimacy 
2. De-emphasize excessive self-reliance and focus on more mutual support
3. Find a secure partner who can help
4. Be aware of the tendency to misinterpret behaviors or be critical of quirks
5. Remind yourself of the things you’re grateful for in your relationships
6. Get rid of the perfect person fantasy
7. Use distraction strategies when discussing more emotional things with your partner (go for a walk, hike, exercise, prepare a meal, etc.)

The key for people with an avoidant attachment style in relationships is to slowly grow the capacity to be with more emotional intimacy.

Talk about this with your partner and let them know that you want to improve but it’s not a strength. Become aware of your patterns and focus on ways you can buffer them. 

The Secure Attachment Style in Relationships 

The most optimal attachment style is being secure which allows for comfort with intimacy and comfort with independence.  

Below are the following key signals of a secure attachment style which those who are already secure have and those who aren’t secure can work on moving towards.

• They expect their partners to be loving and responsive and don’t worry too much about losing their love
• They are very comfortable with intimacy and closeness and can communicate their needs as well as sense their partner’s needs
• They have more unconscious access to love and connection and less to danger and loss
• Great with conflict and can handle conflict effectively 
• Mentally flexible and open-minded. Not threatened by criticism and can revise beliefs/strategies
• They don’t play games 
• Comfortable with closeness and aren’t concerned with boundaries in close relationships
• Quick to forgive
• Inclined to view sex and emotional intimacy as one
• Treat their partner like royalty once they are in their circle
• Secure in their power to improve the relationship

Creating a secure base for our partners is one of the most important roles we can play in life. The following are the keys to creating that secure base in a relationship.

• Be available: Respond sensitively to their distress and allow them to be dependent on you when they need it.
• Don’t Interfere: Be there for them behind the scenes but allow them to grow in their own way in the world to accomplish dreams, goals, and interests. Help them in a way that allows them to cultivate their internal power and love instead of trying to do things for them.
• Encourage: Provide encouragement and be accepting of their learning and personal growth goals.

Avoiding Attachment Clashes

If you get into a relationship where the attachment styles clash, it’s most likely that it will be a rollercoaster ride.

One example of that is when anxious and avoidant types get together. The following signs are typical of the anxious-avoidant trap.

1. The rollercoaster effect: where there is an occasional high when the avoidant partner gets close but then it’s followed by an extreme dip because the avoidant perceives it as a threat and withdraws. This continues up and down.
2. Emotional counterbalancing act: most avoidants inflate their self-esteem and independence in comparison to someone else. On the other hand, anxious types are programmed to feel inadequate so avoidants use this to bolster their self-esteem. This emotional counterbalancing is a sign of issues to come.
3. Stable Instability: The relationship may last for a long time but an element of uncertainty persists. You may remain together but lack the intimacy you desire. 
4. Fighting About Intimacy: there may be many dumb fights that all circle back to a lack of true intimacy and connection 
5. Life in the inner circle as the enemy: if you are anxious you may find that you get treated worse once you become closer to the avoidant partner because when you get close it activates their deactivating system to withdrawal due to discomfort
6. Feeling trapped: developing a sense that the relationship is not right but you have a hard time communicating or leaving because you feel emotionally connected to the other person

Developing a Secure Communication Style

On the path to having more secure relationships is developing effective communication and being able to tolerate more conflict.

5 principles of effective communication:

1. Be genuine and emotionally brave about your feelings
2. Focus on your needs and communicate them
3. Be specific about what is bothering you or what you need
4. Don’t blame or highlight their shortcomings but state the facts and find a solution
5. Be assertive and unapologetic about your needs

Secure principles for dealing with conflict:

1. Show basic concern for the other persons well being
2. Maintain focus on the problem at hand not defending or trying to win
3. Refrain from generalizing the conflict
4. Be willing to engage
5. Effectively communicate feelings and needs

Concluding Thoughts 

For me, the key is to understand your attachment style tendency and become aware of how your patterns play out in relationships. 

For example, I tend to have a pretty avoidant style so if I got into a new relationship it would help me to discuss this with my partner and tell them that I’m willing to work on it and find ways of balancing both of our needs. 

They could compromise a little bit by letting me have more space when I need it and offering support, and I could compromise by working with them to schedule more intimate dates while working on growing my comfort for expressing closeness. 

Overall, I think if someone is willing to become aware of their patterns, has the courage to communicate effectively with their partner, and makes small changes over time to improve their emotional security, people with more insecurity can change to being more secure over time.

This will make for a much healthier and more enjoyable relationship! 

Our experiences as a little kid have a huge impact on our health and nervous system as grown people.

This includes our relationship with our primary caregivers and how we responded to them when we were very little, as well as other formative early life experiences.

Attachment is the way in which little kids respond to and learn to respond to their primary caregivers in situations of distress.

If we are aware of our attachment style, can understand how it developed, and can understand how to work with it and make positive changes (if we aren’t securely attached) this can help us cultivate quality relationships in our lives.

Basics of Attachment Theory

Attachment theory is based on the fact that as little kids we are helpless and we need our caregivers to take care of us.

This means as little kids we attach to an adult who can provide safety, comfort, and basic survival needs as we learn to navigate the world.

How we respond to our caregivers in situations of distress and establish this relationship molds our nervous system in ways that will impact how we relate to other people throughout our lives. 

The basics of attachment theory were founded on studies where scientists Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby observed how infants responded and related to their caregivers when they were left alone with another person and then picked up later on. 

Below is the design of the experiment they ran.

The Stranger Experiment

1. Baby and parent introduced into the room
2. The mother places the baby facing the toys and then reads a magazine
   • The experimenter is testing the baby’s ability to explore on their own using the parent as a safe base
3. The stranger enters the room and waits 1 minute before interacting
4. The parent leaves the room and the stranger stops playing with the baby so they can notice the absence
   • This starts separation anxiety and the experimenters monitor how the child responds
5. The mother comes back in and soothes the baby while the stranger leaves the room
   • Secure baby may smile at the return and may need a hug before going back to exploring, the avoidant may not have expressed any loss to start with, and the anxious may be angry
6. Baby is left alone
   • How will the baby cope with the surge of stress from the separation anxiety of being left alone? 
7. The stranger comes back into the room and attempts to engage with the baby
   • Without the mother can the baby be settled by the stranger?
8. The mother comes back and picks the baby up

Attachment Styles

1. Secure Attachment 

Secure attachment is the ideal and healthiest type of attachment.

This type of attachment allows someone to have rich intimate relationships where the person can emotionally trust others to help them but also have a sense of independence and self-worth without other people.

This is able to happen because they have established a secure bond within themselves which allows them to venture out on their own.

People who are securely attached have positive beliefs of themself and positive beliefs of others. 

They are comfortable with intimacy and autonomy and can maintain healthy boundaries because of this.

People with secure attachment usually had parents who were attentive, nurturing, sensitive, and loving.

These parents were responsive to the child’s needs and the child felt that they could rely on their parents with both their emotional and physical needs as well as being comfortable expressing their deepest feelings around them for support and nurturing. 

The best predictor of happiness in relationships is a secure attachment style.

2. Anxious Attachment, Insecure 

Due to inconsistent parenting people who are anxiously attached develop a fear of abandonment causing them to excessively seek reassurance and validation in relationships.

People who have anxious attachments have a negative view of themself and a positive view of others.

They desire intimacy and closeness but are very afraid of being alone with themselves.

These people tend to always test their partner’s commitment and work to reassure themselves that everything is good in the relationship. They also have a hard time maintaining healthy boundaries because they are not as secure with themselves.

People with anxious attachment usually had parents who were inconsistent and unavailable. At other times they could be neglectful and dismissive.

3. Avoidant Attachment, Insecure

People with the avoidant attachment style are normally more independent and self-reliant which is positive but they have big problems with intimacy in relationships. 

They have a positive view of themselves but a negative view of others. 

They often feel that the emotional intensity and intimacy in relationships are too much or that they have a hard time expressing themselves emotionally or developing true intimate connections with others because of the discomfort of emotional vulnerability. 

These people tend to cope with their own emotional challenges without the help of others and they aren’t able to trust other people as much. Sadly, they tend not to have as many close friends just acquaintances or coworkers. 

People with avoidant attachment styles had parents who were emotionally unavailable.

They didn’t provide comfort or support on the emotional level and were dismissive of emotional needs. The child usually felt ashamed to express themselves emotionally and thus learned to suppress their true feelings and develop less trust and connection around other people.

4. Fearful Avoidant Attachment or Disorganized, Insecure

These people are erratic as they have issues with fear of abandonment but they also really want quality social connection so they can swing back and forth between avoidant and anxious types of attachment.

In a sense, it’s a hybrid between anxious and avoidant attachment styles.

A lot of the time the parents demonstrated very erratic behavior and comforting styles as well which left the kid confused and floating around in the wind because there was no clear source of security to go to teaching the kid to just go with whatever is going on in an insecure way.

How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Life and Relationships 

Your attachment style plays a big role in the way you relate to and attach to other people in your adult life.

For example:

• If you tend to be avoidant you will most likely lean towards being more self-reliant but have a harder time with emotional intimacy and quality relationships. This means you might have a harder time with friends and romantic partners but be ok with your career and personal motivations.
• If you tend to be more anxious you will most likely be doing a lot of seeking for new relationships but get anxious and concerned when other people have different opinions or break up a relationship because of fear of abandonment. Due to this insecurity, this person may have a lot of shallow relationships.
• If you tend to be fearfully avoidant then you might have a mix of both avoidant and anxious styles of relating to others and generally be seen as erratic in the way you act towards others.
• If you are more secure you will most likely have deeper connections and stronger boundaries enabling a rich and fulfilling social and romantic life because you can relate to others on an emotionally intimate level but also function well on your own. There will be a sense of deep quality and security in the relationships you have and you will be able to give this to others.

How To Become More Securely Attached

So how do you become more securely attached or shift your patterns over time to be more secure in your relationships instead of insecure?

The short answer is awareness, corrective emotional experiences, and time to allow your brain and body to change its default response.

Below are the basic steps it takes:

1. Develop self-awareness of your patterns so that you can clearly see how your attachment is healthy and unhealthy
2. Once your awareness increases you can gain a coherent narrative of your development and come to terms with the good and bad of your early years
3. Put yourself in a position to have some reparative experiences with others who are more secure within themselves so you can relearn on a deep level in relationship
4. Allow your brain and body time and new corrective experiences to rewire in a healthier way so it can cement these patterns over time

Once someone is more secure they will develop the following abilities:

• The vulnerability to enter into the depths of emotional intimacy with other people
• The ability to be totally yourself in relationships
• Becoming someone others can securely attach to and not replicate the incorrect patterns you learned as a little kid

Also, keep in mind that someone will need to go through the following stages of growth when changing any set pattern in themselves.

1. Unconscious incompetence– you are unaware of your problems
2. Conscious incompetence– you are aware of your problems but don’t know how to change them (often a very painful time period)
3. Conscious competence– you are aware of your problems and are making changes so they start to improve and shift (start to experience some relief)
4. Unconscious competence– your default mode is to act in a healthy manner without consciously working on them anymore (this is freedom)

The process of change always starts with becoming aware of your defensive resistant patterns and experiencing them in the body in full awareness so that you can recognize and understand them when they occur and how they came to be in your life. 

It’s important to bring compassion to the little kid who was longing for this support but couldn’t find it.

Next, it’s critical to have new reparative experiences with people who have some security themselves. The more you have been let down by other people or experienced stress and trauma in situations the more important it becomes to find these new relationship experiences. 

Make a note to take in the experience when you are included in it, feel/remember the emotion, and express gratitude because it’s easy to brush it aside if you have been programmed negatively.

Lastly, the main catalyst in allowing the process to play out is getting on your own side.

This means you need to develop healthy support and compassion for your inner child who didn’t receive this security as a kid.

Be the father to yourself that encourages, protects, provides love and nurturing, and motivates you to take healthy action.

The one who can be with you in your pain who won’t abandon you and has your back no matter what.

Conclusion

Shifting deep-seated attachment issues doesn’t happen overnight and often takes the help of other people and new experiences to have an impact on the molding.

That being said, it is entirely possible to become more securely attached over time and I wish you and everyone else who is interested in becoming more emotionally healthy the courage and compassion to make positive change.

Living Like You Mean it was a great read for me.

It was recommended by a doctor I saw who was helping me with my anxiety issues.

It was definitely a book I needed to read to understand how the fear of emotions and the pattern of emotion, anxiety, and defenses play out in the body.

It has helped me to increase my emotional mindfulness and has enabled me to start practicing new patterns in relation to feelings.

The Basic Steps

There are 4 key steps to emotional mindfulness and regulation:

1. Becoming aware– emotional mindfulness and your defense mechanisms
2. Taming the fear– notice underlying discomfort as a signal to getting closer and increase tolerance/willingness
3. Feeling it through– fully ride out the arc of feelings to clarity and alignment
4. Opening up– decide to skillfully share your feelings with others or keep to yourself

Preparation & Education 

The Signs of Emotion Phobia (My Signs)

• Avoiding emotional situations
• Smiling or laughing when feeling something else underneath
• Rationalizing or theorizing something away 
• Finding it difficult to be still and present
• Overthinking and indecisiveness
• Needing to control all situations 
• When faced with questions about emotion can’t explain the feelings clearly
• Physically turning away from others or running when emotion increases
• Discomfort or nervousness with silence
• Feeling embarrassed or ashamed for feeling a certain way
• Uncomfortable with prolonged eye contact
• Getting anxious when someone else expresses emotion
• Not being able to acknowledge or express what’s inside 
• Holding back tears in front of people 
• Fear of vulnerability or looking weak
• Never allowing anger until it spills out 
• Expressing anger passively
• Not being able to feel pleasure or joy for long 
• Dismissing accomplishments due to the fear of feeling pride or self-confidence

Other Notes

• Emotionless people are usually very anxious 
• Wallowing in feelings is not the same as feeling completely, when we feel completely emotions come and go and don’t get stuck in the body
• Emotions are valuable signals that make up our personal identity, give us direction, and show our true self. When we deny them we are suppressing our power, personality, and potential
• Our defenses, not our feelings, keep us stuck
• Suppressed feelings are unhealthy 
• Feelings are like waves that escalate to a peak and then defuse

How Did I Get This Way

• We learn from early experiences with caregivers which feelings are acceptable and which aren’t and train our brain 
• The more positive experiences we have sharing our feelings with others the better we get at dealing with those feelings 
• Our brain is also influenced by our early emotional climate 
• Allowing yourself to be present with feelings more rewires your brain 

My Family’s Emotional Landscape

• Not openly expressive
• One parent is cold and reserved about feelings the other is not as bad
• Sexual expression, anger, enjoying things, and being scared were all treated as not good to show
• Stuffing anger until it erupts
• Parents don’t show much affection and it was weird to talk or express emotions but love was embraced
• One parent was uncomfortable when showing intense feelings where there was withdrawal, dismissal, or silent treatment
• Being good and not messing up was right and it instilled a sense of perfectionism and fear of failure/trying new things 
• Overall, it was an icy cold environment at home and a stormy environment in certain places like sports teams

Messages Received

• Fear is weak don’t show it 
• Don’t get out of control or show too much anger or intensity 
• Sexuality and affection are not to be shown or expressed
• Don’t have too much fun or express your happiness, life is serious and you need to always be on the lookout
• Get tough and push through  
• Work isn’t enjoyable just what you have to do to get by, crack the whip
• We will control your choices and interests so that you don’t screw up in life, you can’t do anything out of the box, weird, or that you feel truly passionate about 
• Showing emotion is weird, don’t express sexuality, assertiveness, or too much feeling

Part 1: Awareness

8 primary emotions:

1. Anger: irritation, annoyance, frustration, exasperation, dislike, resentment, rage
2. Sadness: disappointment, dismay, loneliness, hurt, despair, sorrow, grief, dejection
3. Happiness: contentment, satisfaction, amusement, enjoyment, enthusiasm, excitement, pride, delight, joy, elation, euphoria
4. Love: friendliness, caring, affection, tenderness, compassion, desire, passion
5. Fear: concern, nervousness, worry, wariness, anxiety, distress, terror, dread, panic, fright
6. Shame/guilt: embarrassment, regret, remorse, humiliation, mortification
7. Surprise: amazement, astonishment, awe, wonder, shock
8. Disgust: contempt, disdain, aversion, distaste, revulsion

• Feelings are felt in the body not thought about
• Thinking distances you from your feelings
• Unacknowledged feelings negatively affect our experience and behavior

Awareness of Defenses (My Main Defenses):

• Restlessness
• Avoiding eye contact or looking away or down
• Avoiding things and situations I can’t control or escape from
• Avoiding things that could cause high emotion 
• Seeking pleasure to cover emotional pain
• Going silent or talking too much
• Overthinking and being indecisive
• Rationalizing or theorizing and avoiding true underlying feeling
• Tensing whole body and guts
• Gut symptoms as a cover of emotional pain 
• Minimizing accomplishment 
• Passive aggressive acts 
• Numbing out in the mind and disassociating to protect from feeling

Diagram of The Emotion Phobia Response Pattern

Other Notes:

• A defense is any thought, behavior, or reaction used to distance from feelings
• Overreliance on defenses can lead to problems although defenses are helpful in certain situations where it’s better to hold back
• Defenses protect us from the anxiety we experience when we get closer to our true feelings
• Feelings can also be defensive if they cover true feelings (anger is often used to cover sadness & fear)
• Practicing emotional mindfulness can increase your ability to recognize your defense patterns 
• Being aware of your defenses is essential to freeing yourself up emotionally and connecting deeply with others 

Step 2: Taming Fear

• Anxiety or fear can be a helpful sign we are getting closer to our emotions 
• We can reduce our discomfort to a manageable level so that our emotions don’t have to feel overwhelming 
• Identifying and naming our feelings allows you to not get lost in them and stay in awareness
• Describing and tracking our emotions can help reduce them
• Abdominal breathing helps activate our parasympathetic nervous system
• Visualization and positive feelings can act as an antidote (loving or powerful visions can help us move through)

Basic steps:

1. Recognize and name the emotion
2. Allow and embrace it 
3. Investigate and track the flow 
4. Nurture- breath from the belly, touch the heart, visualize something loving or powerful
5. Engage- get present with your experience and let go of it 

Step 3: Feeling it Through 

• When fully felt feelings don’t last forever. They have a beginning, middle, and end.
• We need to be willing to see and accept our feelings for what they are
• Attuning to what’s going on inside us frees up the energy of our emotions and allows them to move
• Emotions are multifaceted. We need to feel them in all their complexity in order for them to be of benefit to us
• There comes a moment when it’s often best simply to “give way” to our feelings
• Experiencing and expressing our feelings are two separate things 
• When we feel our emotions to completion we experience a body shift; we feel freed up and relieved
• Making space and allowing one feeling often allows others below it 
• Reflecting on our experience of feeling our emotions consolidates our gains and rewires our neural network aka integration 
• Discharging emotions as a reflective action without feeling them is unhealthy and makes them worse…..experience then decide how to act

Step 4: Opening Up

• Our needs for closeness, security, and care are biologically based and exist throughout our lifetime
• Emotions can help us see what we need or want in order to make things better
• Putting our feelings into words is one of the most powerful ways to communicate what’s in our heart
• Early experiences with our caregivers can lead us to be afraid of opening up later in life
• Fear of expressing ourselves can be overcome through practice and experience
• When we are mindful of it, the wisdom of our feelings can inform and guide our choices
• When verbalizing how we feel and what we need, we should keep our message simple and clear, use “I” statements, and communicate in a way that is respectful to ourselves and the listener not blaming someone else or putting them down
• Slowing ourselves down and mindfully attending to the present moment can make opening up more manageable
• Speaking slowly connects us to our feelings and allows our expression to come from the heart
• Making eye contact helps extinguish our fears, makes us feel closer, and increases the likelihood of being understood
• Lean into your discomfort a little more each time, and your capacity to be emotionally open will expand (sit in silence with another person, hold eye contact a bit longer, stay with yours and others’ feelings longer) 
• If someone can be with your feelings don’t be afraid to express them when you feel it’s right but if someone has no compassion or ability to be with them it’s best not to open up

Steps for Listening to Feelings and Getting Clear on What You Want:

1. Get quiet, go inside, and feel/listen to your feelings to determine what they are communicating
2. Ask yourself what your desires or needs are and let it come from your felt sense
3. Decide if you want to express it to others or what course of action will help you achieve your desired goal 

Mindful Communication Tips:

• Feel yourself grounded in your body. Notice feet against the floor and back against the support. Bring your attention back to this present moment when you start to feel anxious and push out of your body.
• Speak slowly and allow yourself to stay connected to your words. Pause and reflect on what you’re saying and try to feel the words coming from a centered place inside you instead of rapidly in the headspace.
• Keep the message simple and clear, use “I” instead of you, and don’t blame or put down someone else but state simply how you are feeling and what you need
• Without judgment, observe what’s happening in the moment, what’s coming up for you, what’s transpiring between you and the other person, and how the other person is responding. Just notice.
• Let yourself make eye contact. Notice what you see in the other person’s eyes. If you’re not sure what he or she is feeling, ask for clarification.

Closing Thoughts

Opening up to feelings can be scary if you are someone who has built strong patterns of suppression for most of your life. That’s why it’s important to seek help if you need it and proceed at a pace that suits you.

At the end of the day, in order to live a full healthy life that’s in alignment with who we truly are, we need to learn to befriend our feelings. Overcoming feelings phobia is a process that takes practice and time.

Have you ever met someone who you remember as being “just an awesome person” or who you always got excited to see?

Chances are you felt like you could always just relax around them and be authentic.

People like this truly make the world a better place and we need more of them in the world.

In this post, I’m going to go over the key traits of people who emanate this presence in the world so that we can work on becoming more of a person like this that people love being around.

Key Trait #1 Assertiveness 

The definition of assertiveness is the quality of being confident and not frightened to say what you want or believe. To be able to express your beliefs, wants, and needs in the world without needing a result from it.

It’s that little bold part of you that comes out to express your authenticity. 

It’s the ability to own who you are as a person and express yourself in the world without worrying about what other people think. 

You find out if you have the ability to be assertive when you are with people who you disagree with. If you are able to assert yourself around people like this while still maintaining respect and emotional security it shows that you are assertive.

If not, it shows where you still need to work through your fears, grow self-compassion, and clarify your own values.

The main reason people lack assertiveness is from fear they have inside of them which prevents the authentic expression of themself.

The key thing to remember about genuine assertiveness is that it is not forcing or needy.

It is just an authentic expression of a person that is not aggressive or upset if it doesn’t get what it wants.

It’s the middle ground between passivity and aggression. It asserts itself honestly but doesn’t whine if it doesn’t get what it wants because it is emotionally secure.

Why is assertiveness the most important trait in all people who are fun to be around?

• It allows a person’s true expression in the world and we are all naturally attracted to authentic expression. The energy of this authenticity is vibrant and strong.
• It shows the capability to be vulnerable and real. We all connect with people who are able to share and express honestly despite what other people think.
• It shows emotional security. If someone has the ability to be vulnerable and put themselves on the line for judgment it means they are secure with themself and can offer that security to other people.
• It doesn’t hide anything and you get to know the truth of the person. We all want to be around people who aren’t fake or hiding things.
• It takes action, has fun, and makes things happen in the world. We all want to be with people who can take the lead and initiate action. 

If you think about any of the people you really enjoy being around it is most likely because they have the ability to be assertive and express themselves honestly. 

The personality and energy that true expression in the world creates is charismatic and attractive. We all want to be this way deep down and the people who can show it and lead you to that part of yourself will always be awesome.

Think about it, you don’t love or get to know people as much if they can’t express their unique personalities. All any of us wants is to just have the freedom to be real.

Key Assertiveness Practices:

• Approaching strangers and initiating conversation
• Disagreeing boldly and respectfully with people 
• Being willing to express yourself and take risks in speech and movement
• Having boundaries and being able to say no to things that aren’t in alignment
• Being able to ask for things that you want from other people or tell them your needs

Key Trait #2 Empathy 

The second trait of people who are awesome and that others enjoy being around is the capability to be empathetic.

Empathy is defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. To be open and nonjudgmental towards another human being.

This is a critical trait because in order for people to feel comfortable around you they need to feel that they can relax and have the freedom to be honest and authentic. 

If someone feels pressured, anxious, tense, or judged for speaking about certain things they will not open up to you, and this will prevent a real connection with them.

At the core of every solid relationship is a true connection and a sense of love between friends. Everyone wants to feel at home with people and be able to relax knowing that they will not be judged for who they are around you.

Especially with the amount of hardship and suffering that exists in the world, everyone wants to be heard, loved, encouraged, and allowed to be who they are. Nobody wants to be told what to do, controlled, judged, or put down.

Key Empathy Practices:

• Sharing vulnerably about your struggles and acknowledging theirs
• Active listening and genuine interest in people
• Offering support and problem-solving when it’s right
• Asking deep questions or why questions
• Telling someone what you like about them or acknowledging something they did 

Key Trait #3 Playfulness & Humor

We all like being around people who can have fun and have a sense of humor.

This is because life is short and we want to enjoy ourselves and not take things too seriously at the end of the day. We are all going to die eventually and everything we have accumulated will be gone so why not enjoy the moments we have?

While some people have a knack for humor and others find it challenging, everyone can decide they want to have fun and be more playful in their life (as long as they are not in a state of fear/anxiety).

Humor lightens up the moment, allows people to relax, and makes social activities more fun.

By being a person who can lighten up a tense moment a little bit or get everyone to have some fun you become someone who everyone wants to be around because they know you are willing to play around and be comfortable with yourself.

Below are a few types of humor that I enjoy working on (but keep in mind there are many different types of humor).

Exaggeration: Taking things to a ridiculous extreme shows that you are joking around and are willing to be playful. 

Reversals: Saying the opposite of what someone is thinking or expecting in a playful way. For example, you pull up to a really nice restaurant and say “Dam, I thought they had a drive-through window”.

Really Bad Advice: Messing around with someone giving them really bad ridiculous advice and telling them why it will help and why you are an expert on the topic. For example, someone tells you that they like going to the gym and you reply by saying “Nice, I actually hit the gym quite often myself, I’ve tested all the pre-workouts on the market and have found that a bag of flaming hot Cheetos, a shot of fireball, and a red speedo gets the best results. There’s something about the combination of burning pain in your digestive tract and the high that comes with wearing a Speedo to the gym that gets you the most fired up. You should try it out.

Misinterpretation: Taking an object in your environment or the environment (or person in general) and misinterpreting it for something else that’s funny. For example, a lady pulls out a small mirror on the bus and you tell her that drugs aren’t allowed on the bus. 

Unreasonable Requests: Asking someone for something ridiculous. For example, to borrow their BMW for the month, to take care of your dog so that you can just cuddle with it, to clean your apartment, for stool and blood tests before entering your house, asking for IDs when drinking with friends.

Pinning & Callbacks: When someone starts to tell you about themself or you learn about someone then pin them as something funny based on what you learn. Then revisiting that inside joke later on in the conversation or in the relationship.

Accusations: Accusing people of being up to no good, of doing drugs, of wanting to steal something, of anything else that is funny or playful.

Key Humor Practices:

• Taking a playful attitude to social events
• Messing around with exaggeration, reversals, unreasonable requests
• Giving really bad advice
• Pinning someone and calling back to it later on
• Accusing someone of something 

Key Trait #4 Sensual AKA Sexual Expression

Sensual expression is another important characteristic of people who are fun to be around and it’s a vital component of being energetic and creative.

This is because sexual energy is one of our main sources of life and bodily expression in the world and it brings force and pleasure to life experiences.

This ties into the ability to be assertive as sensual expression depends on someone’s ability to be assertive and express themself through their bodily senses.

For example, if someone is able to alter their vocal intonation, flirt and play, describe in detail a story or special moment through the senses to draw people in, or move their body with rhythm and power in dance or confident postures it shows that they can express themself sexually.

The main senses include:

• Touch 
• Taste
• See
• Hear
• Smell
• Feel (emotionally)

This characteristic is most important in sexual relationships and attraction because it allows people to have fun together and express their sexuality.

That being said, it’s also an important trait overall because it is a key component of the ability to be creative in the world and have strong fun life energy.

Key Sensual Practices:

• Add a sensual description to conversation or story
• Practice initiating touch with other people
• Practice holding strong eye contact
• Walk and move with some swagger or practice holding power poses
• Smirk and play with facial gestures
• Be able to talk about sex freely

Concluding Thoughts

In my opinion, those are the 4 most important traits of anyone who is fun to be around.

If you can improve on being able to express these traits around other people then you have a solid chance of building better social relationships in life.

That being said, in order to be someone who has all of these traits it can take some personal evolution and overcoming internal fears to get there because at the end of the day, someone can only radiate these qualities if they feel safe and at peace with themself as I discussed in the ability to be assertive.

Most of our fun, fulfillment, and connection in life occurs in social activity.

We are social creatures who have been designed to help each other out in life including meeting our goals, having fun as friends, experiencing life together, growing through painful and good times, and working to serve other people. 

The friends we meet with similar interests, the fun nights out on the town, the adventures, the romantic relationships, the business relationships, and the people we meet from day to day all make up our life’s meaning and fulfillment. 

This is why developing the ability to connect with people, having quality meaningful conversations, and creating a strong social network is important for living a good life. 

We are healthier and happier people with good relationships and social connections.

As someone who has struggled with social anxiety and maintaining relationships, I wanted to create a guide to the basics of social skills so that I and others can improve over time. 

Being Honestly You

The first thing I wanted to discuss before getting into the basics of social skills is the importance of being real and authentic above all else.

This is so critical because you want to connect with people who are genuinely interested in similar life goals and interests as you are in order for quality connection to take place.

If you put out a fake persona just to attract people it will lead to an inability to relate deeply to people and share authentically without pressure.

This starts with knowing what you want in life and being able to express those interests, passions, and desires to new people you meet in order to discover if they are a good fit in your life.

Above all else, try not to be fake or needy and develop the courage over time to be boldly and assertively yourself.

Essentially, the aim of improving your social skills is to develop the ability to express yourself fully so that you have the courage to meet the people you are meant to connect with in this life.

Part 1: Body Language, Vocal Tone, Attitude

Developing strong body language that shows confidence is an important part of being a good communicator.

Your body language, vocal tone, and attitude work directly with the way your body is presented and it gives a clear signal of the state of being you are in.

Despite what you say, your body language conveys how you hold yourself as a person.

The more open, clear, and strong your body language is, the more it will signal that you are confident, attractive, and command charisma. 

Key Tip: If you’re feeling anxious or not very confident the best thing to do is recognize it, accept it, and then see if you can practice changing your posture little by little over time working on sticking your neck out a bit and practicing holding eye contact a little longer than normal. Be sure to be kind to yourself as changes like this take time and courage.

Below are the main things to work on:

1. Establish Solid Eye Contact
   • When you can hold eye contact it shows confidence and trust. It also creates a deeper connection and shows the other person that you are present and interested in being with them.

2. Head Up Shoulders Back
   • Tendencies to slump the shoulders or look down at the ground will make you look insecure and unconfident. Work on holding your head high and keeping a straight spine. Practice sticking that neck out.

3. Smile
   • Smiling can show friendliness and put the other person and yourself at ease. That being said, don’t fake a smile and there are times not to smile as well.

4. Open Body Language- Take Up Some Space
   • Take up space and show that you belong and want to be heard, seen, and are confident in owning yourself. Try not to cross your legs or arms and stay open.

5. Speak Louder & Enunciate
   • Work on raising your voice just a bit louder than normal to project well. Let go of caring what other people in the environment think about your conversation and practice speaking from the diaphragm, not the mouth. Claim your right to be heard as a person.

6. Move Slower
   • Practice moving and talking a little slower. Like you are in a pool of honey.

Part 2: Approaching & Starting Conversations

After your body language and who you are as a person the first step in initiating any new conversation is being able to approach someone new (or someone you already know) and start a conversation from zero.

This step of being good socially is often one of the hardest for people to do because it usually causes some level of anxiety or nervousness about the possibility of rejection or judgment, especially when approaching someone new and putting yourself out there.

That being said it is also the most fun and rewarding aspect of social skills as it’s an opportunity to be able to meet new friends anywhere you go and expand your world.

Below are the main keys:

1. Choosing The Right Environment

In order to meet new friends or romantic partners that you actually want to build a relationship with it’s important to choose the right place, community, or environment where the people you like spend time hanging out.

For Example: If you are a health-conscious person who likes to workout, surf, do yoga, hike, and do business then the best way to meet people who you might really hit it off with is to put yourself in places such as a surf group, yoga studio, spiritual community, entrepreneur group, local gym, or any other place where those types of people may hang out.

It’s going to be a waste of time putting energy into trying to meet people in places where you don’t share any common interests.

The one exception is general social places like clubs, parties, or bars as most people who go to these places tend to go out for fun and go with the attitude of meeting new people. 

These environments are much more general so it may be harder to find someone you really connect with on a personal level but they are good social practice playgrounds.

In summary, demographics matter if you want to make quality connections so get clear on what you want for your life and what types of people you want to develop relationships with. Then put yourself in the right environment to strike up a conversation.

2. Having an Intention for The Conversation

After putting yourself in the right place it’s helpful that you have an idea of what you want out of the conversation before initiating it.

This is important because if you know that you’re serious about developing a long-term friendship with someone then you can spend the time to really get to know them and ask deeper open-ended questions to develop empathy.

On the other hand, if you’re just interested in a business relationship with someone or find a girl that is attractive but you don’t see long-term potential then you can steer your conversation in the right way for your intention.

Yes, you can also just be social and not have any intention for the conversation but when you want to steer your life in the right direction or have a limited amount of time (which is everyone) it can help to have clear intentions.

This saves your precious time and energy as you won’t waste it on people you don’t really want to dive deeper with.

3. Be Seen

Before you approach and strike up a conversation make sure to be seen and if possible make some eye contact with the other person. 

The worst thing you can do is startle someone approaching them from behind or sneaking up on them. The other person needs to feel that you are safe and friendly enough to want to chat.

It also helps if you are able to make eye contact or move into someone’s territory to sense if they are at all interested or not.

That being said, sometimes you just have to go for it even if you don’t get positive signals and see what happens.

4. Approaching & Opening Basics

Approaching and opening a conversation can be tricky. The goal is to keep it simple, open up the conversation, and get right into weaving (or conversation) with them.

There are a few ways to go about it.

Direct Approach

The first way to approach is to be direct and honestly tell someone why you wanted to say hi.

Then ask an open-ended question about them or the situation to get into a conversation.

The willingness to put yourself out there and be honest is often one of the best ways to approach someone new.

Here are a few examples:

• Hey, I saw you sitting there and I had to say hi, I thought you were cute. What’s your name?
• Hey, I saw you standing there and thought you looked (approachable, friendly, interesting, cute, badass, smart) and wanted to say hi. I’m Josh. What have you been up to today?
• Hey, I saw you guys laughing over here and thought you looked like the most fun group out here and I wanted to say hi.  I’m Josh. How do you all know each other?

The key with the direct approach is to be honest about why you wanted to say hi, ask a simple question, and then get into weaving (conversing on different topics) with the person to get to know them a little.

Indirect Approach

Indirect approaches are types of openers where you aren’t directly stating why you wanted to say hi but instead making a comment, asking a question about the situation, or saying something funny then getting into an open-ended question about them or the event.

Here Are a Few Different Types of Indirect Openers:

• Straight up Social: clinking someone’s glass with a cheers, or “hey how’s it going?”, it’s easy and shows confidence but doesn’t open up as well into deeper conversations.

• Situational Openers: you comment on or ask an opinion on something in the environment. Humor is great here or a fun interesting question about the situation.

Key Tip: When you arrive at the venue look around to come up with a few ideas.

1. What is there a lot of? 
2. What is out of place? 
3. What does something remind you of?

• Humor: making a funny statement or combining a situational opener with some humor is a great way to open up a conversation and show that you can be playful. There are a few main types of humor that are mentioned below.

1. Exaggeration– taking things to the absurd extreme is one way of showing that you are joking or messing around. 
2. Reversals– you simply say the opposite of what’s going on and exaggerate it a bit. If you’re at a really nice restaurant you could say “man, this place is a dump”.
3. Misinterpretation– this is when you purposely misjudge something in the environment that looks similar to something else and go with it to play around asking them how it’s been working for them.
4. Accusation– this is a simple way to play around by accusing someone of being up to no good or planning to steal something ridiculous.
5. Unreasonable Requests- this is where you ask for something ridiculous. When someone shows up at your house you can ask for their blood, urine, and stool samples to enter. Or you can ask to borrow someone’s car for the month.

Try keeping approaches simple and just going with them the moment you think of them and decide you’re interested in the person. 

If it doesn’t go well, who cares, move on. 

The more hesitation and overthinking of how you will do it, the harder and more anxious it will be. Focus on taking action and letting it happen with the following points.

• Slow Down
• Louder voice
• Interrupt smoothly
• Commit
• Expect success

Part 3: Maintaining a Quality Conversation (Weaving & Threading)

The next step in a quality conversation once you open it up is being able to maintain the flow and get to know the person you are talking to. This requires the ability to maintain and lead a conversation in a meaningful and fun way.

The key to starting a conversation that has some substance to it after you approach and open it up is to ask good questions (usually open-ended) that allow the other person to elaborate. 

Essentially good conversational skills consist of the following parts:

1. Asking great questions (open-ended for depth)
2. Active listening (or listening well)
3. Threading off of the free information given and expressing yourself on topics
4. Weaving (or directing the conversation in different ways with new questions)
5. Getting to depth and connection with core values, empathy, vulnerability
6. Closing a conversation and getting contact details to stay in touch  

1. Asking Great Open Ended Questions

Let’s simply go over what open-ended and close-ended questions are. 

Close Ended Questions: questions that call for a one or two word answer like true false or multiple choice questions.

• Where do you teach?
• Do you go jogging?
• Shall we have dinner at 5:30 or 6?
• Do you like that picture?
• Are you guys having fun?

The above questions all call for a one or two word answer. 

Close ended questions are not bad and are a part of any conversation as they allow people to disclose specific facts. You just have to realize that in order to really open up a conversation you will have to follow up with an open ended question for more depth. 

Some people who are naturally more talkative will elaborate from close ended questions but you can’t count on it especially if it’s someone you just met.

Open Ended Questions: questions that naturally promote longer answers which show your interest in the other person. They allow people to elaborate and express themselves.

• What are some tips you could give me about public speaking?
• What do you think that painting is trying to say?
• Tell me about why you made the decision to move.
• How’s the weather in Alabama different from here?
• Where do you want to be in 5 years from now with your life?
• Who do you think is the best pitcher in baseball?
• Why do you think you were able to achieve your goal?
• In what way do you think psychedelics can help the world?
• What is it about surfing that makes you feel good?
• Why do you like playing chess?

The above are all questions that allow your partner to elaborate and express themselves.

Close ended questions need to be followed up by open ended questions to allow the conversation to keep going and add depth and interest.

Key Tip: Keep in mind that it’s always critical to be genuine when asking questions as people can tell if you’re just asking them to get a response without actually caring. This means you have to actually care and be interested in the other person. If you’re not interested, move on, or don’t ask.

2. Active Listening

Active listening is just focused listening to your partner. 

Most people (myself included) tend to naturally get caught in their own internal dialogue.

It’s amazing to realize that people who actually sincerely listen to others are very rare.

This means that you need to practice dropping your own thoughts for a little bit and focus on trying to understand the other person before you respond. 

This is also a critical component of developing connections with others. Everyone wants to be heard and seen for who they are and in order to actually connect with someone on a deeper level your partner needs to feel that they are cared about and heard.

Paradoxically, if you focus your attention on really listening to the other person your brain will automatically generate topics to open up on based on the “free information” or details they discuss.

These can be considered portals or threads you can go down and allow you to determine where you want to steer the conversation next.

In summary, active listening is critical as it allows for connection and generates the threads or portals that you can steer the conversation down to keep an ongoing steady flow.

In order to listen well you have to let your own thoughts and worries go and focus on being present with the other person.

3. Threading & Weaving

Once you’ve approached, opened up, asked a good open ended question, and started to listen to your partner it’s time to lead and steer the conversation by threading and weaving.

Threading

Like discussed above threading is making comments, asking questions, and expressing yourself on the topics or information your partner brings up while they are talking.

Threads are like portals to deep dive down to discuss more. We all naturally do this even if we don’t realize it.

For example, let’s say you ask someone what they like to do for fun and they reply that they like to skate, go hiking, read, and work out. 

Skating, hiking, reading, and working out are all individual threads you can go down if you decide to. The cool thing is even if you go down one of them you can revisit the others at any time if you run out of things to talk about.

To open up one of these threads you simply would reply by saying “that’s awesome I used to skate a lot when I was a kid but I haven’t done it recently, where do you usually go?”

You can then decide how deep to dive into the topic and when it might be good to weave the conversation back in another direction to get to your intended goal.

In order to thread and weave well you have to listen to your partner :).

Weaving

Weaving is just a term that means to steer the conversation in a certain direction by asking a question that leads to another topic. 

For example, let’s say you opened up a conversation by asking someone what they were up to today and they replied that they have been working, took their dog for a walk, and went to the gym.

You would then decide which thread to open up (work, dog walking, gym) and comment on it while deciding how long you wanted to deep dive down that thread.

Next, in order to steer the conversation in a direction that allows you to hit your intended goal (could be to determine if they are a potential friend, romantic partner, or business connection) you will need to weave to another topic by asking a question that allows you to get to know that person based on what you are interested in.

For example, if you wanted to see if the person even lived in the same area and had any common interests you could make a comment about work and discuss how you work in a certain area of the city then ask them where they spend their time.

Next, in order to weave into learning about potential common interests you could thread on the area they live in and then ask them what they like to do for fun outside of work.

This structure of asking good questions, threading, and weaving in a conversation can basically go on forever if you listen, express yourself, and are interested in learning more about them.

Below is a Basic Weaving Conversation Structure:

• Partner 1: What have you been up to today?
• Partner 2: Answer
• Partner 1: Thread, then ”What part of the city are you from?”
• Partner 2: Answer
• Partner 1: Thread, then “What do you like to do for fun?”
• Partner 2: Answer 
• Partner 1: Keep going for as long or as short as want then if you connect and want to stay in touch with the person you can escalate to a contact exchange

One thing to keep in mind is that in order to get deeper with someone you will have to get into open ended questions that allow the person to express their core interests and values.

• Why do you like X?
• What do you like to do for fun?
• What are some goals you are working towards?
• What’s your view on work life balance?
• Is there anything you’ve struggled with in life?

If you are able to weave into those types of topics then this will enable you to determine if the person is a fit as a friend or partner you want to include in your life. It will also allow you to open up yourself on those topics and determine if there is a genuine connection.

If they reveal something to you about them and there is a genuine connection then you can express your empathy or excitement to them by saying something like “that’s awesome, it seems like you’re health conscious and I really like that because I am too”.

At this point in a conversation if you like the person, have some common interests, and want to stay in touch or escalate it’s the perfect time to exchange contact information.

4. Contact Exchange

Once you’ve opened up, asked an open ended question, and maintained a conversation to get to know someone you can either end it or ask for their contact information.

Contact exchange is always best when you have been able to establish some connection with the other person.

Without some connection, it is usually a bit awkward and less meaningful. With some connection, it is easy and smooth.

The key is to say something like “let me grab your number” or “let’s connect on Facebook” at the time when you both connect on something instead of waiting until the conversation is dull.

The chance of rejection dies down significantly if you genuinely get to know the person and connect on something.

If you just randomly ask the person for their number, it can work occasionally, but it’s a bit more shallow.

Remember, it’s all about the connection not just getting someone’s number.

Extra Tip: Rolling With Rejection

One of the keys to getting better at approaching people and overcoming anxiety and nervousness around meeting new people is to be ok getting rejected or looking stupid.

At the end of the day, it’s a numbers game and not everyone is going to like you or be a good fit in your life. 

What’s the best way to deal with rejection or social shaming when it occurs? 

To own it. To own who you are as a person and how they judged you even if you’re nervous or say something stupid. To deflect and flip something negative they said.

• “Well, I’m glad I said hi. Hope you have a good rest of your day.”
• “No worries, you’re missing out ;), have a good one.”
• “Ah, I love it, someone with a backbone to tell me the truth. I hope you have a wonderful night.”

Remember that the person who gets negative or defensive always loses.

Rejection can be a bit painful when it occurs but the pain is temporary and the courage to take action will lead to a much more amazing life than one without moving through any temporary pain. 

Own your mistakes, your rejections, your nervousness, your loss of words, and who you are as a person. And then try again next time.

Looking back you will be proud of yourself if you gave it your best shot.

Part 4: Working on Being More Assertive

As time goes on practicing social skills and improving your social life the ability to be assertive will grow as confidence grows.

Assertiveness is the ability to speak your mind, speak up when needed, tell people no, ask for what you want, be honest, and enter into conflict with a little more power and ease.

It’s a critical skill to master because if you don’t have some ability to be assertive, people will walk all over you and you won’t get your needs met. 

I see this skill with the analogy of how dogs bark at other dogs when they are encroaching on their territory. It’s the same with humans.

Examples of Saying No:

• Partner 1: Would it be cool if I borrowed $100?
• Partner 2: I’m sorry but I have a policy that I don’t loan money out to friends. I had some issues in the past.

• Partner 1: It’s been a long day. Do you want to go to the bar and drink after work?
• Partner 2: Thanks for the invite but I don’t want to drink so I’m gonna pass.

The key to telling people no is to be respectful, acknowledge their ask, then use “but” or “however” to explain why you cannot and state either no, no thanks, or I’m not interested. 

Think, make a decision, and stick to it firmly. Get rid of hesitation and too much wishy-washyness.

If someone continues to ask you, this is when you dial up your assertiveness level a notch and hold strong eye contact with the person as well as a firmer voice so they get the message.

The other types of assertiveness skills to practice are being able to tell people what you think honestly, give opinions, and disagree in a respectful manner.

Part 5: Expressing Yourself Through Senses, Storytelling, Intonation

One thing that all people who are attractive and charismatic have in common is the ability to use intonation in their voice, to tell good stories, and to express themselves and their experiences by using the senses.

Let’s dive a little bit into each of these skills.

1. Using the Senses in Speech and Stories

Below are the senses:

• Sight (I saw the bright sunrise out of my window)
• Hearing (I heard the sound of fans yelling)
• Touch (I hit my hand against the hardwood floor)
• Smell (I could smell the burnt popcorn in the air)
• Taste (The taste of the spice was bitter, pungent, and spicy)
• Feel (emotionally, I felt…) 

When you incorporate the senses into your storytelling or conversations to describe a situation it draws people into the visuals you create and allows for a deeper connection.

Using the senses also opens up greater depth and detail to your stories and statements which allows you to express yourself easier.

In order to put this into practice when someone asks you about an event or you are telling a story you can start by remembering to add a sense or two.

• I saw the bright green grass in the outfield
• I heard the loudspeaker and the fans yelling
• I felt my ass on the hard stadium seat
• I could smell the freshly brewed beer and nachos
• When I bit into my first Cardiff crack sandwich I could taste the smokey meat and tangy BBQ sauce
• I felt excited to be back at a baseball game

2. Using Vocal Intonation

Another important part of great communication is the ability to use intonation in your voice.

We naturally do this when we are relaxed and expressing ourselves but it’s important to remember that it plays a pivotal role in attractiveness, charisma, and fun.

Vocal intonation is the rise and fall of your voice when speaking.

It usually changes based on what you are speaking about and people who are great communicators are able to pick the right intonation and style of speech for each thing they are communicating.

Types of Vocal Tone Styles:

• Loose, deep, calm (usually when relating on an empathetic level)
• Firm and loud (when being assertive)
• Deep and accentuated with a higher spicy pitch (flirty)
• Loose, relaxed, whimsical, fun pitch (playful)
• Higher and faster (when excited about something)
• Relaxed and open (when chilling out)
• Energetic and commanding (when leading a talk or room to keep attention)
• Shallow, soft, and tense (when nervous or scared)

Those are just a few of the natural vocal tones that people use to express certain moods and situations.

The key to getting better at using vocal intonation is to practice raising and lowering your voice based on certain changes and allowing yourself to go for it instead of being monotone all the time.

3. Storytelling

Storytelling is one of the foundations of charisma and connection. When you open up it will help the other person open up as well and you will get to know each other on a deeper level.

Any good story will include both the senses and good vocal intonation to draw the listener in.

That being said, it’s also good to know a basic story structure so that you can practice telling stories and improving upon the way you can open up and express yourself to people.

When is a good time to tell a story?

• When someone asks you about something (an event, situation, or time when there are memories attached)
• When someone asks you what you did, why you like something, or how something was

Here is a simple storytelling structure to practice with in situations where it doesn’t call for a drawn-out story.

Present, Past, and Future Elaboration:

1. Someone asks you why you like to surf?
2. You respond by simply going into the present, past, and future to tell a simple story about why you love surfing

Example: “You know, whenever I put my wetsuit on, wax up my board, and cruise down to the beach on my bike I feel a sense of freedom, playfulness, and connection with nature. Not to mention I also love getting some good exercise in and swimming in the water. When I was a little kid I used to love going to the beach and playing in the sand and it always ignited in me a passion for being in the water as it made me feel alive and free. That made me realize that going forward in my life I want to keep surfing as something that I can always do as it brings so much joy and fun into my life especially when things get stale or I need to get out of my head and have some fun.”

Longer Storytelling Framework:

• The Introduction & Buildup
  • Tell them the goal or the outcome you were shooting for
  • Describe the plot and scene in detail and include senses/how you felt
  • Buildup the characters, environment, details
• The Problem
  • Describe the problem in detail and give some exaggeration/emphasis
  • Tell people the odds or roadblocks you realized you need to overcome
  • Describe the work you learned you had to do and how you were trying to overcome the roadblock
• The Resolution or Solution
  • Describe in detail how you overcame the problem
  • Tell of the relief and the details of how it felt to find the solution or answer

Mindset Shift: Developing Playfulness & Humor to See Social Activity as Fun

One of the most important mindset shifts that I’ve personally tested to help you have more fun socially, to be more enjoyable, and to make more friends is to develop a mindset and view of social activities as a playground.

Everyone is getting together or going out to have fun, to mess around, and to play.

Instead of approaching social situations to see how other people will respond to you or judge you (taking a defensive and reactive view towards new people), it helps tremendously if you can shift into a playful view where you are approaching people and messing around to see if they want to play or not.

For me when I can get into this mindset and attitude when doing social events it helps me to have a bit less anxiety and to loosen up a bit so that I can bring out a little humor or have the courage to be a little bit ridiculous.

Seeing the event as a playground where you can mess around and come up with fun games to play with people is something that I try to cultivate a little more in social interactions. It helps you get out of the perspective of needing other people’s approval and instead owning who you are and just seeing who is interested in having fun with you. 

Part 6: Tips to Work On for Social Anxiety

As someone who deals with some social anxiety, I know firsthand how it can be challenging to be smooth in social situations when you’re nervous.

Sometimes you literally freeze and it’s hard to think.

This is why it’s important to practice your social skills so that they become automatic and unconscious.

This way when you get nervous and your rational brain goes offline you have practiced enough to just operate on the structure you know like the back of your hand.

Anxiety is created by our own conditioned responses and internal beliefs to the situations (as well as being genetic) and not the situations themselves, so it’s possible to work on changing our response to these things over time with exposure and compassion for ourselves.

Here Are a Few Key Things That Can Help:

1. Defuse your anxious and catastrophic thoughts
   • An assertive defusion or just noting your anxious thoughts and labeling them as just thoughts or feelings instead of catastrophizing or predicting what could happen in the future
2. Accept and allow your anxiety to be present while taking action with it. Resistance will only make it stronger so own it and flow with it the best you can.
3. Apply paradoxical intention and see how awkward you can be
   • Make it a game to see how many rejections or bad looks you can get
   • Allow yourself the freedom to mess up or be awkward
4. Try to shift focus from your own thoughts to the people you are with and get more engaged in what’s going on in the present moment instead of your own worries. This is where consciously focusing on listening can help.
5. Work on facing your social fears and doing the things that make you nervous little by little to grow your courage

Obviously, these things are easier said than done because when the freeze or survival response kicks in it makes it very challenging, but practice and exposure over time can help.

At the end of the day sometimes it helps to remember that it’s better to be rejected and experience short-term pain than to live a life full of what-ifs. 

Also, keep in mind that not everyone is a fit for you so rejection is actually a good filter to help you find the right people.

Conclusion

There you have it. The basics of social conversation skills in one post.

Obviously, just reading a post about basic skills will not create a meaningful change. 

The most important thing you can do to improve your conversation ability is to practice talking to more people and allow yourself to mess up and test things out while you grow.

I like practicing on Jaunty (where I learned a lot of this), practicing in real-life social situations, and reading psychology books.

The path to improvement is not a straight line. It takes courage, practice, putting yourself out there, facing your fears, getting knocked down, and learning from your mistakes. 

It’s an up-and-down journey where you will fall down or be discouraged with yourself while then learning and making leaps forward. 

I wish you more social freedom, ease, and quality relationships in your life.

Everyone has learned new skills or changed behavioral patterns in their life whether they realize it or not.

This starts from the time we enter school at a young age to the time we die.

The problem is that without realizing it we are often programmed in ways that are not harmonious with a healthy and joyful life.

In order to achieve our goals, be healthy, and become who we are meant to be it’s necessary that we make many shifts in the way we operate throughout our lives.

Making these shifts is not easy and it often requires moving through pain and suffering but it is possible to change (given enough time and desire) if you understand how the process works.

In this post, I want to outline the process of learning any new skill or behavior so that we can increase the positive rate of change in the right direction instead of slowing it down or stopping it completely. 

1. Awareness Of Your Pain Or Problem At The Root Level

The first step is to be aware of a problem or pattern you want to change which is inhibiting your life from being what it could be or causing suffering.

Most of the time the reason people don’t change is that they don’t want to learn the truth of their present situation because in order to bring their problems into awareness it can be painful and scary.

This is because we develop an unhealthy ego that tries to protect us from feeling our pain. It tries to pass the blame on other people, seeks constant reassurance, and will pretty much do everything possible to shield you from facing your own fear and suffering.

The first step of any change is to be honest with yourself about your problem, to accept responsibility for it, and to completely accept yourself the way you are currently with all your flaws.  

You have to bring radical acceptance and radical truth to your current situation before any progress can start to happen. 

You have to start working on accepting and loving yourself just the way you are right now even if the truth of who you are is painful to bear.

2. Finding The Right Education And Learning How To Change The Problem

The second step for creating any meaningful change is to find the right education to learn how you can start to implement practices that will allow you to start changing your behavioral pattern or allow you to learn a new skill.

It’s critical that you find the education that will work at the root cause of your problem and not be just a temporary bandaid that allows for relief now but a worsened condition later.

Temporary bandaids can be very helpful and necessary at times but in the long run, the goal should be to work towards creating a change without needing to rely on a crutch.

This can be tricky because a lot of the products and solutions which are sold in the marketplace (by often well-intentioned people) can be poor or even detrimental long-term solutions because the business goal of the product is just to sell as much as possible and keep people using the product for as long as possible.  

Learning from the right educational source is important in helping to implement a new skill or create a personal change and learning from the wrong source can cause destructive effects.

Be careful who you learn from and who you decide to trust and make sure the people or sources you learn from have been able to accomplish the change or skill you are looking to acquire and they are not people who “just know everything about it”.

Experiential knowledge from actually going through the shift that you are looking for is way different than someone who has intellectual knowledge on the topic but has never actually done the thing you are trying to do.

This leads me to my last point in this step.

In reality, not a lot of education is required and it’s 100% possible to acquire the skill or make a change in yourself without intellectual knowledge of the subject. It’s not required and can often be another source of resistance. Someone who truly has the desire to make the change will figure out a way to make it happen whether they have education or not.

This is unless you are working towards a degree or certifications where knowledge of a certain technology or procedure is required.

So it’s critical to lean more towards experiential practice and learning as you go along practicing instead of getting stuck trying to understand everything before you even step in the ring and feel what it actually takes to make the change.

Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face. And the person who deserves the credit is the one who is covered in blood, sweat, and tears and who is willing to put themselves in the arena to be criticized, judged, and fail over and over again until they make it happen.

3. Practicing The New Response Or Pattern

You have to have the courage to step into the arena and start practicing your new skill or behavioral change.

Start with small steps that get you into action.

It’s critical to remember that practice is practice. It’s not meant to get you a perfect result. It’s about doing something different than you have been doing which will be uncomfortable. 

Real growth and nervous system change happen through practice not through thinking about practice. The external and internal influences in situations have to be present in order to make any meaningful change.

It’s important to let go of the results and practice getting excited about the actual practice itself. 

Results take care of themselves when you let go of the thing you want and focus on the process instead.

Find a way to reward yourself for doing the practice itself so you can create a positive dopamine feedback loop based on the practice and not the future reward.

Lastly, your desire to change and become who you are meant to be has to be stronger than your fears. 

If the present situation you find yourself in is not painful enough or you are still somewhat comfortable this will prevent the change from happening because your desire will not be greater than your fear and the pain that the change requires you to move through.  

It’s great if you’re comfortable in your current situation and don’t really want to make a change but I think it’s important to understand that part of the equation because it’s necessary to make a change. 

4. Moving Through Pain, Failure, And Changing Self-Criticism

Developing equanimity and self-acceptance is the accelerator of change.

It’s inevitable that you will practice a new skill or behavior and you won’t be able to do it optimally at first or even for a while.

You will also face many setbacks and failures.

You may even face embarrassment, criticism, or judgment from other people.

You will find out real quickly how much self-criticism and hatred you have created about yourself because when you fail or are not able to do something and someone else is criticizing or judging you if there is any self-hatred it will automatically start.

You need to love and accept yourself enough to be ok when you are vulnerable around other people, to feel shame and fear around others, and to get to the point where the judgments of other people do not affect your own self-worth.

Self-hatred puts a stop to or slows down your progress.

In order to speed up your rate of positive change you will have to practice accepting and loving yourself for who you are currently. 

If that means you cannot do the thing you are practicing yet or you have an embarrassing issue, then accepting that and being ok with it is what you must do.

You have to trust that if you keep doing your best things will start to shift when the time is right.

This is not an acceptance of giving up. It’s an acceptance of “I’m proud of myself, I did my best, and I wasn’t able to do it, but I’ll eventually get there when I’m ready”.

If you need a break or some rest, then take it. Take care of yourself and allow yourself to make the change or learn a new skill in your own time.

Don’t compare your own progress with others.

Start to develop the trust and faith that if you give your best effort things will work out exactly how they are supposed to in the time they are supposed to take.

5. New Response Or Skill Becomes A Part Of Your Automatic Operating System

After you’ve practiced a lot, failed, faced embarrassment, criticism, lots of fear, gotten pissed off, and felt your own pain over and over again while working on a new behavioral response or skill your confidence will start to increase and the new pattern of being will start to become a part of your unconscious operating system that works on autopilot.

It’s like learning any new skill or behavior or even creating a software update.

At first, you have to consciously learn and practice the new things over and over again rewriting the old operating system code until it just becomes second nature and is established into the system where it then frees up your energy to focus on other things.

At this point, the change has been made. Congratulations, you have just done one of the hardest but most satisfying things in human life. You have upgraded your default mode of operation to a healthier version of yourself which allows for more freedom to be who you truly are. 

Conclusion

That’s how I see the basic process of learning a new skill or making a behavioral change.

Another important thing to consider is that there are certain cases where genetic differences or more permanent changes in your health will create much more difficulty in making certain changes or learning certain skills.

This is where you have to play with the cards you were dealt, find the right skills to learn and changes that you can uniquely make, and get the help that is required to help you progress along your own path.

I hope that you will have the courage, self-love, and determination to become the person you were meant to be and to shine your light in the world.

My Main Thoughts

A great book that I think everyone should read in their life. It examines the psychology of Nazi concentration camps and Frankl’s experience living through such horrific conditions.

It shows the mental processes that humans go through under terrible conditions of suffering including shock, apathy, and depersonalization as well as how we have the ability to endure any hardship as long as we find meaning and a higher purpose in the current situation.

I personally find Frankl’s insights to be true that we find meaning through work, love, and suffering and that meaning is to be found in the unique individual circumstances we are given in our lives. That each person has a unique vocation that only they can complete.

Frankl’s Background

• Viktor Frankl lived for 3+ years in the Nazi concentration camps
• He was a psychiatrist who used the concentration camp experience to come up with a psychological framework based on the mental conditions experienced in the camp. He called the form of therapy he created logotherapy.

Typical Mental Stages a Prisoner Passes Through

1. Shock– in the first few days of arrival after seeing the camp and the life they were now thrown into due to the sheer amount of stress and change into a horrific circumstance
2. Apathy & Emotional Death– after living in the concentration camp for a long enough period of time if prisoners did not have a meaning and ability to feel and move through the brutal reality of their suffering they fell into apathy and numbness to block out the pain experienced and in which they valued only the things that helped them survive. This was a defense mechanism that allowed prisoners to reserve their emotional strength for  survival
3. Liberation & Depersonalization– The prisoners who survived and were freed back into normal life outside of the fences were thrown into a totally different world than they had become accustomed to. Life in camp had taken a toll on their psyches and they had to confront the last psychological symptoms. They often experienced depersonalization or being disconnected from their body, thoughts, and emotions. They had to gradually relearn how to feel emotions. Some also had negative reactions to normal life including vengeance, bitterness, and disillusionment. 

Why Some Prisoners Became Apathetic and Died While Others Were Able to Cultivate Strength and Live

• He saw that prisoners who became severely apathetic and who lost the meaning to continue living often died first as their immune systems got weaker and their will to live grew less and less
• Another example is how the chief doctor in the camp witnessed an increased death rate of prisoners between Christmas 1944 to New Year 1945. He believed this was due to false hope that they would be home by Christmas and when this did not occur they lost hope and fell into an endless sleep
• Frankl was able to survive and find meaning in his experiences in the concentration camp by deciding that he was going to use his suffering as an opportunity to make himself a better person. Instead of becoming apathetic and accepting that he was doomed, he chose to embrace his suffering. 
• He chose to find meaning in his suffering to make himself a better person, in the work he could do to help other people if he survived, and in remembering his beloved wife who he routinely envisioned remembering the hope and power of love compared to evil
• According to Frankl, while a man’s destiny in life is certainly affected by the circumstances in which he finds himself, he is ultimately free to choose his own path in life. Even in the worst situation possible, man always has the freedom to choose his attitude towards life. 
• His core philosophy is that mans deepest desire is to find meaning in his life and if he can find meaning in the circumstances he is given he will be able to endure anything that is thrown at him and will live a fulfilling life
• “Any attempt to restore a man’s inner strength in camp had first to succeed in showing him a future goal. Whenever there was an opportunity for it, one had to give them a why and aim for their lives in order to strengthen them to bear the terrible how of their existence.”
• Overall, from learning about Frankl’s philosophy and experience it shows that we must find meaning in something greater than the physical world as the prisoners who died fast tried to hope for different physical circumstances in which they had no control over

Ways to Cultivate Meaning in Life

1. Work– we cultivate meaning through the work we do and how it serves other people or provides something of value to others or ourselves
2. Love– we cultivate meaning through a love of everyday beauty (nature, events), relationships (partners, friends, family, people), and creation/creator (god, the awe of creation, etc)
3. Suffering– we find meaning in our suffering using it to make ourselves better people, more kind and courageous, and to grow in knowledge, wisdom, and spirituality ultimately using it to serve a purpose

• He believed that we cannot totally understand the general meaning of life but we can find ways to make each of the individual moments and circumstances we are given meaningful and valuable. 
• Every person has a unique vocation that only they can accomplish and they are responsible for undertaking this job under the circumstances they have been given.

The Basics of Logotherapy & What Frankl Created to Help People

• Logotherapy aims to help people develop goals and find meaningful ways to accomplish them based on their own unique circumstances 
• If a man cannot find meaning or purpose in life he can develop mental problems that need to be addressed
• Everyone should strive to be in a state of noo-dynamics where there is tension between what one has already done and what one is working to accomplish based on the meaning that each person finds in their unique circumstances
• The tension between past and present is vital for mental health 
• For people who need help overcoming anxiety and fear, he uses paradoxical intention in which the person tries to bring about the precise thing that he fears  
• “man is that being who invented the gas chambers at Auschwitz; however, he is also that being who entered those gas chambers upright, with the Lord’s Prayer or the Shema Yisrael on his lips.”
• Frankl believes that while man is certainly capable of doing evil, no individual human must be evil. Every human has the capacity to change his behavior and attitude in every possible situation. In his postscript, Frankl reaffirms this belief as the basis for his tragic optimism, or belief in the importance of saying “yes” in spite of everything.

Great Video on Frankl & Paradoxical Intention

When most people picture a meditation posture what usually comes to mind first is the lotus posture that the Buddha is typically shown in.

Crossed legged on the floor with each foot on top of the opposite thigh.

In reality, the majority of meditators do not sit in full lotus posture because they don’t have the natural flexibility to sit in this position for an extended period of time.

Not to mention, if you don’t have the natural flexibility, you may end up causing harm to your knees and legs if you try too hard to force this position.

If someone is an advanced meditator, a monk, or has excellent flexibility they may be able to work up to the full lotus position, but for most people, it just isn’t possible.

The good news is that there are many different styles of meditation posture and as long as you find a position that is comfortable and allows you to maintain wakefulness, you should be able to meditate comfortably.

In this guide, I’ll go over important physical considerations, the main postures, how to choose which posture is best, the equipment that can support your practice, and pitfalls to avoid.

Main Considerations With Any Meditation Posture

There are a few physical considerations that should ideally be met in any sitting meditation posture you take.

1. Spine Is Lengthened & Balanced

Ideally, the spine should be erect, straight, and balanced evenly. The shoulders should be able to relax back and down. When the spine is lengthened it activates alertness in the brain and the mind wakes up.

A lengthened spine literally helps the body to be more alert.

2. Hips Are Higher Than The Knees

When the hips are higher than the knees it allows for the pelvis to naturally position itself to support a lengthened spine.

If the knees are higher than the hips (sitting on the floor without a cushion or slouched in a low chair) the pelvis tilts back and you can’t maintain a lengthened spine.

When the hips are higher than the knees it should create a slight tilt in the pelvis and allow the spine to align in a more steady upright position.

If you sit in a chair you will probably need to add a cushion for more height or get a chair that extends higher up vertically to allow your knees more space.

If this is challenging try experimenting with raising the hips up even higher.

3. The Whole Body Is Able To Relax Into The Posture Without Holding

The goal with any meditation posture is to get the hips higher than the knees, achieve a straight spine that promotes alertness, and have the ability to let go and relax into your posture.

If you have to use any physical effort to maintain your posture and you can’t fully relax this will take away from your meditation.

For example, in photos you often see models sitting in a cross-legged position without a cushion and if their knees are higher than their hips they will have to use a lot of conscious effort to hold their body up in that posture. This is not ideal for meditating because the body is not able to relax and focus on concentration techniques or awareness.

Ideally, once you are established in your posture you should be able to completely relax and focus on meditating not on holding your body in place.

Other Posture Tips While Sitting

• Try to relax your jaw
• Try to relax your arms and allow some space between the arms and side body
• Try to place your head centered and think of it getting slightly lifted with a string

The key is to find a posture that is comfortable for you that allows a straight upright spine and the ability to let go of holding while maintaining alertness.

Sitting Meditation Postures

Meditation can be practiced in 4 different positions. 

Sitting, standing, walking, and lying down.

These are all of the positions that our body inhabits throughout our life.

Below are the main sitting meditation postures.

1. Full Lotus– Legs crossed with both feet resting on opposite thighs
2. Half Lotus– Legs crossed with one foot resting on the opposite thigh
3. Quarter Lotus– Legs crossed with both feet below the opposite thigh
4. Burmese Posture– Both feet laying flat on the floor without crossing legs
5. Seiza (bench or zafu)– Legs under the body with knees forward and top of feet against the floor
6. Chair (regular or ergonomic)– Legs on the ground sitting upright and straight

If you have good flexibility then sitting in a cross-legged position (half-lotus, quarter, or Burmese) using a zafu meditation cushion on top of a zafu meditation mat might be your ideal posture.

People who are less flexible in the hips and knees may find that using a seiza posture (bench or cushion) with the legs under the hips or a chair with adequate support is ideal.

Just keep in mind that any of these postures can work just fine as long as your hips are above your knees, you can maintain a relatively straight spine, and you’re able to relax in the position without having to hold your body up.

For any of the lotus positions, it’s usually best to place the zafu cushion near the back of your zabuton mat and have your butt on the end of the cushion to create a slight angle for proper alignment of the hips and knees angling slightly down towards the floor.

If sitting in the seiza posture with either a bench or cushion to prop up the hips just remember that a higher lift can ease up some of the tension on the knees.

For chair sitting, just make sure the hips are higher than the knees. You can get a cushion to sit on and move more towards the end of the chair to maintain an alert posture.

Which Meditation Posture is Best?

The meditation posture that’s best is going to depend on your flexibility and comfort in the various positions.

If you’re someone who has a hard time even sitting cross-legged and getting into any of the lotus style positions then try sitting in a chair or in seiza style with a cushion or bench.

If you’re someone who is more flexible then using a meditation cushion on a mat in one of the cross-legged postures such as quarter lotus or Burmese may be great.

You will need to experiment with sitting in the different postures to find out what your ideal position is. Also, keep in mind that you can vary the positions and alternate between sitting on the floor vs in a chair depending on any soreness you experience.

Listen to your body and be kind. Over time if your flexibility improves then you can always try different positions again to see how they feel. If sitting cross-legged isn’t for you don’t stress about it. As long as you can maintain a posture that keeps you alert and comfortable that’s all that matters.

Personally, I sit in a chair with a cushion to prop up my hips to get them higher than my knees and I also sit in seiza posture sometimes with a cushion. I’m not naturally flexible in the hip area so when I sit too much in a cross-legged posture I can develop knee aching.

Sitting Meditation Equipment

Below are the main props used in sitting meditation:

1. Zafu– A round cushion that is used for sitting in meditation. The zafu raises the hips and provides padding making the position more comfortable and stable. They are usually made of cotton or buckwheat.
2. Zabuton– A zabuton is a rectangular padded mat that is used under the zafu cushion to provide padding and comfort to the knees and legs. 
3. Seiza Bench– A seiza bench is a meditation bench that is made for meditators to sit on it with their legs underneath the bench.
4. Other Cushions– There are also rectangular zafu cushions called Gomdens, moon-shaped cushions, and other variations of cushions in different shapes that provide padding for the knees and legs. It’s best to test a number of different variations until you find the best ones to support your sitting style.

The key when selecting any cushions that can support your practice is to find the ones that fit with the position you sit in and provide the necessary padding and comfort for the posture you use.

Below are important considerations when selecting a cushion:

1. What is the right distance for you between your bottom and the floor? The goal is that you are high enough off the meditation mat so your thighs angle downward from your hips.
2. Will you sit cross-legged on the floor or use a bench or chair? Are your knees ok being on the floor or do they need to be off the floor in a chair or cushion that allows that.

If sitting cross-legged on the floor you will be looking at zafus and zabutons for cushioning. 

If you can’t sit cross-legged on the floor then you will be looking at benches, zabutons, and chairs. 

If your knees can’t go on the ground then you will be looking at chairs and benches that allow for the knees off the ground.

Meditation Posture Pitfalls to Avoid

These are the main pitfalls to avoid in any meditation posture.

1. Arching– When pushing the chest out arching in the back can occur
2. Slouching– When the pelvis tips back, back rounds, and shoulders/head slump forward
3. Efforting head– When head starts to tilt up and reach
4. Legs falling asleep or discomfort– When legs fall asleep and get uncomfortable
5. Sleepiness– Usually occurs when posture is slouched and your body is tired

Conclusion

Hopefully, this quick meditation posture guide helped you understand what the best way to sit in meditation is and what equipment might be ideal for your sitting practice.

A few resources to check out that I used to learn and get information from for this guide were:

• Stephanie Nash’s Posture for Meditation handout
• Samadhi Cushions cushion guide
• The Posture of Meditation by Will Johnson book

Just keep in mind that the best posture for you is the one that’s comfortable and allows you to sit upright, alert, and relaxed for an extended period of time. 

If you need to sit in a chair that’s perfectly fine. If you can sit cross-legged in the lotus position on the ground then I’m jealous of your flexibility. 

Find a position that’s most comfortable and easy to maintain, then purchase the necessary supporting cushions to allow for comfort and ease. 

I love the word wanderlust.

It’s defined as a strong longing for wandering or travel. 

To want to explore the unknown and taste the feeling of no boundaries.

If you’ve ever felt wanderlust or done any extended travel you probably know exactly what I’m talking about. 

You could even argue that this longing is a natural part of being human whether it’s applied to travel or just seeking to live a better, more fulfilling life than your current experience.  

In this post, I wanted to share some of my travel experiences, how these experiences changed my life forever, and some other travel notes. 

Where I’ve Been

I’ve been fortunate to have a few travel experiences in my life including a few extended periods of world travel.

Travel and exploration really started in my childhood when I played competitive baseball and would travel mainly around some of the US as well as up and down the coast of California.

I’ve always enjoyed exploring new places whether it was in my backyard, locally, nationally, or in different places around the world. 

There is something about venturing into the unknown that’s exciting and also scary at the same time.

Here is a list of the few places I’ve been to:

• Most of the US states besides the upper north (North and South Dakota, Wyoming, Idaho, Montana)
• Costa Rica
• Thailand
• Vietnam
• Malaysia
• Singapore
• China
• Japan
• Mexico

My Experiences

Personally, I think that traveling is only as impactful as the experiences you have and to the extent you really get to know the places you visit and immerse yourself in the culture.

You can travel to a lot of places but never really experience any of them fully if you are constantly involved in tourist activities or distracted in your own world.

That’s why personally I’d rather do fewer longer trips for a certain purpose or interest than a bunch of short trips that are filled with tourist activities.

I’ve always been the person who wants to sit on the streets in Vietnam with the local people, meditate in the monasteries with monks, surf different beaches, learn the local plants with a traditional medicine man, or just get lost on the streets in a foreign land and figure out how to survive.

I like learning about different spiritual traditions, art, architecture, food, governments, economies, plants, and how people live their lives.  

I believe one of the most amazing things about living on this earth is the diversity of cultures, people, traditions, natural environments, cooking, ways of living, and the different expressions of life around the world.

Below I’ll go into a little detail about my most impactful travel excursions.

Costa Rica

Costa Rica was my first real trip abroad and because of that reason, it was magical. 

I enjoy surfing and had heard from numerous people that Costa Rica was awesome so I decided to find a surf resort that I could stay at and learn to improve my skills while surfing with the locals. 

I grew up near the beach but never really got into surfing when I was younger because my life was consumed with baseball. 

It was something I always wanted to try out and after college when I had some free time I started to learn by going with a few friends who had been surfing all their life.

So at this time in my life, I had just been laid off from my first real job and was working on trying to grow an online business. I had some savings and enough free time to schedule a 2-week trip to surf in Costa Rica.

I was freaking stoked!

I booked my stay at Witches Rock Surf Camp in Tamarindo.

It looked like a cool little surf resort where I could improve my skills and also see some of the beauty of Costa Rica while getting my first taste of traveling abroad.

For anyone who remembers their first trip abroad, it’s nothing but pure magic. And for me, I was also definitely a little bit nervous but very excited.

When the plane lands in a foreign country where you don’t know anyone, the people speak a different language, and the surroundings look and smell nothing like what you’re used to in your home country, it feels like being reborn.

It opens up your mind, sparks your curiosity, and ignites an excitement in your being that is indescribable. 

I remember landing at the Liberia airport and finding my shuttle to Tamarindo. The shuttle driver was a really nice Costa Rican guy who drove people to and from the airport to the surf school.

The ride to the school was straight through the Costa Rican countryside so I spent the whole hour-long car ride looking at the land around me.

How beautiful, undeveloped, and serene the land was in Costa Rica.

For the rest of the 2-week stay, I found myself in a small little room about a 5-minute walk away from the beach and the surf school where I would walk to each morning. 

In the mornings I would surf with the local instructors and in my free time, I would explore the town on foot trying out different restaurants and occasionally hitting up the local nightclubs.

I met some cool people from both Costa Rica and other Western countries and I had a blast surfing, ziplining, exploring the surrounding city, eating dinner with friends, walking the beaches, and dancing at a local nightclub.

For my first trip abroad, although the area was a little bit touristy, it was definitely a perfect destination and I was stoked to improve my surfing skills and explore the local beaches. 

Thailand & SE Asia

My most extensive and impactful travel abroad excursions were to South East Asia and I spent the majority of my time living in Thailand.

I mainly lived in Chiang Mai, Bangkok, and the Thai islands.

I did two long-term trips to Thailand and South East Asia. On the first trip, I lived there for 9 months and on the second trip, I lived there for 6 months. 

I applied for multiple-entry tourist visas each time I went.

Looking back on my time spent in Thailand and South Asian countries now, I would never really be the same after my first time living there. 

The culture, people, cities, food, friends, and atmosphere had a profound impact on my life and the way I view the world. 

I’m very grateful I had the opportunity to live in Asia. It’s an amazing region of the world.

Below I’ll go into detail about some of the main events from my time living there.

Working On An Online Business

One of the main reasons I decided to move to and live in Thailand for over a year was because a lot of digital nomads (people who work on their computers while traveling) had rated Thailand as one of the best places to live and work.

At this time I was growing an online business so it was a perfect place to live cheaply and work on that while meeting new friends who were doing similar work.

The cost of living is very cheap, there is fast internet, it’s safe and beautiful, and there is an awesome community of remote workers who congregate there.

I paid about $400 a month for a nice one-bedroom apartment in the city and usually spent around $1500-$2000 a month total on expenses.

I would honestly say that the best thing about my time living in Thailand was the friends I met and the lifestyle I was able to afford on a very small budget. 

I got a couple of Thai massages each week, had a motorbike that I’d ride around the city and countryside, explored the nightlife and traditions, and met plenty of awesome friends who I could hang out with.

I get feelings of nostalgia and excitement just thinking about my time spent living in Thailand. It was really a magical time in my life.

Not to mention I was able to work with and learn from some smart online workers to grow my business which is one of the main reasons I wanted to live there for a while.

Motorbike Rides

While I lived in Thailand I rented a motorbike which I paid around $50 a month to use and the cost of gas to fill up the tank was around $5.

Riding a motorbike is somewhat dangerous in Asia but I was willing to take my chances for the benefits it offered. And boy was it a blast.

My first time riding on the highway I missed the exit I was supposed to get off on and ended up driving about 5 miles outside of town because there was no way to turn around and head back to the city. 

What a thrill for the first time learning to ride a motorbike!

After a bit, like anything, you get used to the natural flow of traffic and the city. It was fun sometimes cutting in and out of cars but you really have to be careful and focused if you do this.

Some of the best times I had with friends were going on 4-8 hour motorbike rides into the surrounding cities and countryside throughout northern Thailand. 

We would ride on winding roads throughout the Thai jungle, up and down mountains, and explore primitive areas where people lived off of the land. It was an absolute blast.

I’ll never forget the motorbike rides I did with friends I met including Ben, Taran, and Andy.

I especially enjoyed the trips with Ben where we would plan out a half-day route and stop along the way to eat at a roadside food stall or local coffee shop.

Overall, I had one minor accident where I scraped up my leg and a few tickets that I was able to pay off. 

I would say the price of admission was well worth the fun that I had. 

Culture

One of my favorite things about Thailand was Thai culture. This included the Buddhist temples, the amazing night markets, cheap Thai massage, the cuisine, and the warm friendly spirit of the local Thai people.

They call Thailand the land of smiles and it definitely owns up to its name. 

There is still a good sense of local community in Thailand that is seen in the night markets, traditional music, nightlife, Buddhist spiritual tradition, art, and architecture. 

Compared to the US, I always really enjoyed the local vibes in Thailand because it felt much more connected and easy to get involved in the local community.

You could hop on a motorbike and go hang out in the town with friends because there was always something going on close by that was easy and affordable to access.

This is compared to the US where it feels much more separated. There are fewer local events that people gather at, it’s more expensive to do things, most people need cars to get from a to b, and in general, it feels sometimes that there is less emphasis on community. 

I really enjoyed this aspect of Thai culture.

Friends

A highlight of my time living in Asia was all the friends I met. I was able to make friends with people from all parts of the world including Australia, Thailand, Italy, the US, Burma, Laos, China, Japan, Singapore, Hungary, UK, Canada, Malaysia, South Africa, India, Korea, and many other parts of the world.

It was really great getting to know people from different areas of the world because you can learn something from each person and you also realize how people around the world are all the same.

I would say this experience of hanging out with people from all areas of the world really changed me in a positive way because it allowed me to drop the delusion of separateness that governments create in each country.

It was also easy to make friends living out there because when you are a foreigner all of the travelers and remote workers are open to getting together and meeting up.

I really enjoyed this because sometimes I have a hard time making friends in my home city life due to the fact that I’m naturally introverted and it takes way more effort to meet people with common interests.

Dating & Nightlife

I did my fair share of dating and exploring the nightlife with friends in Asia as well. 

Compared to the US this scene is also very different. 

It’s much cheaper and less formal. You can ride a tuk-tuk or Grab to the bars very inexpensively and there is plenty of stuff going on.

I also met some really lovely and pretty Thai girls. I think that Thai and Asian girls are gorgeous and this attraction to Asian features also grew while living in Thailand.

One thing that I noticed clearly compared to dating girls in the US is that Thai girls are much less needy and self-centered. I really enjoyed dating girls like this because there wasn’t as much emphasis on status, money, or what you can do for them. 

This really showed me how materialistic and self-centered a lot of girls can be in western countries. Obviously, not all girls are like that but I have found that on average women in the US and western countries are much more demanding than girls in Asia.

Visa Trips to Surrounding Countries

As I spent the majority of my time living in Thailand I would also do trips to some of the surrounding countries when it was time for a visa run.

Usually about every 3 months I would do a 2 week trip to a surrounding country to check it out.

I ended up traveling to Malaysia, Singapore, and Vietnam for a number of weeks each time.

I would say that Vietnam provided the biggest culture shock and Singapore and Malaysia were both very fun to explore.

In Vietnam, the motorbike scene is even crazier as the streets are absolutely packed and the local way of life in Northern Vietnam is very raw as people sit on stools to eat street food.

On the other hand, Singapore was a very modern and futuristic city with excellent public transportation, lots of business buildings, modern technology, and robust infrastructure.

I enjoyed exploring other South East Asian countries while living there.

Buddhism

Lastly, the Buddhist spiritual tradition and temples in Asia had a very big impact on me and how I view the world.

I really relate to the Buddhist teachings personally and also practice meditation.

I found that most of what the Buddhists talk about is true if you take a scientific approach to exploring yourself and your mind.

I enjoyed checking out the numerous temples around the countries and even did a fair amount of sitting meditation with monks while living in Asia.

I had some pretty profound spiritual experiences while meditating in Koh Lanta, Thailand.

These experiences changed my view of spiritual traditions and religions in general, helping me to understand that they are all very similar even though each tradition has different approaches to ethics, practice, philosophy, metaphysics, and world beliefs. 

My experiences and understanding of Buddhism allowed me to have a more diverse view of spiritual traditions and a less fundamentalist ideology. 

Learn more about my meditation experience here.

How Travel Changes You

Traveling the world or even to other parts of the country you live in can have a pretty big impact on your mind and worldview.

For me, I felt that living in foreign countries really opened my mind in a good way. 

I was able to realize how people all around the world are exactly the same. We all want love, shelter, food, friends, and are doing the best we can with the life circumstances we are given.

Life has its struggles and joys all across the world in each place.

It also opens your heart and deepens your connection around the world. Once you experience one good friendship with someone from a country far away from yours you can never look at world events the same.

They affect you on a deeper level emotionally, and an ideology or expression that was once acceptable can’t be acceptable anymore because you have real connections with people from around the world.

When I was able to step outside of the country I grew up in and look at it from an outside perspective free of social conditioning I was able to see more clearly the positives and negatives that it contains.

Sadly, sometimes governments and political ideologies try to brainwash people into believing that your country is far superior to everyone else and that everything outside of your country or political party is unsafe or less satisfactory.

This causes a lot of division and self-centered world politics that perpetuates the sense of separation in the world between people.

In reality, we should appreciate everything that our country has to offer but also keep a loving and connected view of the world.

You also learn that there are other ways of living and structuring a society which are just as good if not better in some regards to what your home country does.

You learn to be less dogmatic, more open and loving towards others, and more flexible in the way you view the world.  

Living outside of your home country or state for a period of time often alters your mind in the sense that it breaks through the social conditioning delusions that have been created by the systems you come from.

It allows for more creativity and flexibility of mind. 

After my first extended trip to Asia or even my trip to Costa Rica, I would never see the world the same again.

The Paradox of Travel

Traveling, like everything else in life if looked at from a broader perspective can be quite paradoxical. 

You leave your familiar surroundings to explore, learn, and grow as you experience the beauty of the world.

You face fear, uncertainty, and the unknown of life in new places.

“Travel isn’t always pretty. You go away, you learn, you get scarred, marked, changed in the process.” -Anthony Bourdain

Then after a certain time period of living away from home, you either end up returning to where you are from or creating a new home in another place.

Either way, you usually end up venturing out to find yourself right back where you started. 

With yourself and your own personal idiosyncrasies. With your own mind and perceptions.

After enough time abroad, you also begin to realize that while travel is awesome and life-changing, you always have yourself and everything you need right where you are, no matter where that is.

List of Places I’d Like to Go

As anyone who has experienced wanderlust knows, the experience of traveling opens up an interest to explore more places.

Once you explore a new place like South East Asia and discover how amazing and different it is, you want to explore many other places around the world as well if you get the chance in life.

Below is a list of places I’d like to go if I have the opportunity and feel the interest to venture out again at some point. Bolded places are higher in interest.

South America

• Peru
• Argentina
• Colombia
• Belize
• Chile
• Brazil

Africa

• Morocco
• Madagascar
• Tanzania
• South Africa

Europe

• Portugal
• Spain
• France
• Italy
• Greece
• Germany
• Ireland
• Hungary
• Sweden
• Monaco
• Switzerland
• Netherlands
• UK

Middle East

• Egypt
• Israel
• UAE (Dubai)
• Iran

Asia

• Japan
• India
• Nepal
• Sri Lanka
• Taiwan
• South Korea
• Indonesia

Other

• Australia
• New Zealand
• Mongolia

As of now, I have the most interest in doing a few longer-term trips where I have specific interests.

• Visiting or living in Japan for a few months and doing a tea ceremony, visiting Zen monasteries, and exploring the high tech nightlife
• Doing a trip to South America including visiting the Amazon, Machu Picchu, and other parts of Peru where I could learn about the local plant medicines 
• Living for a period of time in India practicing Yoga and Meditating at a few ashrams in the Himalayas
• Doing a Eurotrip where I would bounce around to a few of the countries on my list as well as Morocco since it’s pretty close
• Lastly, exploring a few parts of the middle east including Israel, Iran, and Egypt to check out some of the historical sites and way of life 

I’ve also looked into the Trans-Siberian railroad trip which goes all the way from London to China by train, stopping at many of the countries along the way. 

That would be a hell of an adventure!

There is a cool website called seat61 that details all the train routes that people can travel across the world.

Traveling by train can allow you to see views of the land and is an alternative option for people who don’t like flying all the time.

Other Resources & Inspiration for Traveling

When wanderlust for adventure hits there’s nothing better than resources that can add to the fun. Below are a few of my favorite travel resources.

Anthony Bourdain’s Parts Unknown TV Series

I usually will watch Bourdain’s episode of the place I’m traveling to beforehand to get excited and often turn on the other episodes when I want to relax and learn more about countries around the world that might be cool to check out.

You can find the whole series for purchase on Youtube.

Vagabonding by Rolf Potts

This is definitely my favorite book about long-term world travel. It’s a guidebook to living cheap, backpacking, and exploring countries around the world on an affordable budget.

It’s also a great book on life philosophy. I read it before I left for my time in Asia as well as on the plane ride there. 

It shows how if you really want to travel there is nothing holding you back. The fears and concerns you have are normal, but most of the time they are not true and can be mitigated with proper research.

Plenty of people have done world travel with kids or in the middle of their lives. There’s no reason to wait until your are old or retired if you want to go.

I’d highly recommend reading Vagabonding if you’re interested in long-term travel.

The Man in Seat 61

The Man in Seat 61 is an awesome website that contains tons of information on how to travel the world by train. 

If you’re someone who likes to see the land while traveling and doesn’t love flying then this website is a gold mine to check out.

If you have the time and interest you can always plan your trips so that your overseas travel routes are by plane but then your country to country travel routes are by train.

Airbnb

I couldn’t make this list without including Airbnb. When you’re traveling to places for a shorter amount of time (within the month range) using Airbnb to find affordable places to stay is a great tool. I used it each time I traveled to an Asian country for 2 weeks.

Rick Steves Europe

Rick Steves is a famous travel content creator and has a ton of experience traveling to all the areas of Europe. I’ve enjoyed watching some of his episodes in Europe and other places around the world and I think he does a great job.

Check out Rick Steves Content

Lonely Planet Guidebooks

Lonely Planet has some awesome travel guidebooks and resources to check out if you’re going to spend a long enough amount of time in any one region of the world.

Reading a guidebook before you go can be helpful if you are looking to plan your explorations but at the same time it’s also fun to just let the travel experience unfold as it does without any planning.

NomadList

I used NomadList when checking out places I wanted to go to where I could work and find other people to meet up with who were also working remotely. It’s an awesome resource for people who are considered “digital nomads” who are working and living remotely.

Drew Binsky Channel

Drew has some cool content and he has traveled to all 197 countries around the world! 

What an inspiration that he has been able to make it to each country around the world at such a young age. Check out his channel for some inspiring and interesting travel content.

Concluding Thoughts

Traveling the world or your home country is a beautiful thing.

Travel has a way of sparking excitement, refreshing our minds, and allowing us to experience the wonders of this world we live in.

It allows us a chance to step out of our normal life routines and view the world from a different perspective.

It’s a great antidote for times of stuckness or stagnation.

It shows us that while each place has its own unique culture, systems, and land, at the end of the day everyone is just trying to live the best life they can with the circumstances they are given.

Also, it’s important to note that not everyone can or even wants to travel. That’s perfectly cool too because the reality is, we can experience the same joy and beauty right where we are currently.

It’s always available to us.

Personally, I’ve been fortunate to have a few awesome travel experiences and I plan on doing a few more in the future as well if I’m able.

While travel isn’t necessary, I do think it’s something that can have a very positive life-changing impact and I would encourage anyone who is interested to make it happen.