Models by Mark Manson Book Summary & Notes

I enjoyed reading Models by Mark Manson and thought that it was a great book on dating and self-development.

I decided to read it because I thought it was a more authentic approach to improving your attractiveness around women instead of the typical “pick up” style books.

I think the pick-up approach can be helpful in motivating someone to take action and get more comfortable around girls (which is great) but I think in the long run it’s destructive and harmful to the person using these techniques to manipulate others.

I liked Models a lot and would recommend it to other guys who are trying to improve personally and with their love life around girls.

This is an area of my life that I need to work on a lot so that I can become more intimate, vulnerable, and have a better capability of being myself around attractive women.

Below are my notes from Models.

Part 1: Reality

Non-Neediness

A man’s attractiveness is inversely proportional to his neediness. The less needy he is, the more attractive he will be to women on average. The needier he is, the less attractive he will be to women on average.
Neediness is when a man places a higher priority on other’s perceptions of him than his perception of himself. Where other people still control his own self-image and fear response.
A non-needy man’s actions and words will be motivated by embodying his own values and desire not trying to please everyone else
Paradoxically, a man’s lack of need for attention and admiration is itself a magnet for attention and admiration. His comfort and acceptance of the possibility that some people will not like him make people like him more
A needy man is being extra nice and friendly when he doesn’t want to be because he believes he must do this to be liked or loved or to avoid his feelings
It’s important to remember that you should not be a narcissist where you only care about yourself. It’s important to care about your partners and friends and have feelings for them but to remember to have strong boundaries with your attachment or neediness around it
Seduction is the process by which a man induces a woman to become as invested in him as he is in her. There are 2 ways for seduction to happen.
- 1. A man creates the perception that he is far less invested in her than he is (faking it)
- 2. A man is actually less invested in her and is not needy
The only real dating advice is self-development. Work on yourself. Love yourself. Get in shape. Overcome your anxiety. Resolve your shame and fear. Take care of yourself and those who are important to you. Go after goals and dreams in life and be interesting.
Permanent change to one’s investment and neediness in one’s relationships with women is hard and is a process that encompasses all facets of one’s life. But it’s a worthwhile journey. As a man, it may be the most worthwhile journey. The key is vulnerability.

Vulnerability (& The Pain Period)

Men have the idea that opening up to their emotions and being able to be vulnerable is weak, but this is not true. The ability to be vulnerable is true strength.
Making yourself vulnerable means being willing to share your fears, emotions, insecurities, putting yourself in a position to be rejected, saying a joke that may not be funny, asserting an opinion that may offend others, introducing yourself to a group of people you don’t know, telling a woman you like her. All of these things require you to stick your neck out on the line emotionally.
A man who is able to do this has power and courage. He’s saying to the world “screw the repercussions, this is who I am and I refuse to be anyone else”.
Most people think of a man who’s vulnerable as a man who cowers in the corner and begs others to accept him or not hurt him. This is not vulnerability, this is surrender and weakness. Vulnerability is the courage to be authentic and express yourself without fear of how others will judge you
Things like being scared to follow your intuition despite what others think, hiding from your sexuality, not being willing to dress well, not holding eye contact, not being able to hit on women openly, and not expressing your true feelings are all symptoms of the root problem of an inability to be vulnerable
Many men with this issue were raised in a family where emotions weren’t expressed, where they were taught not to be controversial, unique, stupid, crazy, selfish, and to try to always be liked.
Vulnerability is the path of true human connection and becoming a truly attractive person. Humans are attracted to each other’s rough edges.
Show your rough edges. Stop trying to be perfect. Expose yourself and share yourself without inhibition. Take rejections and lumps and move on because you’re a bigger and stronger man of value. And when you find a woman who loves who you are, revel in her affection.

The Pain Period

When undertaking any emotional shift or behavior change there’s going to be an initial pain period. This period typically happens in the beginning of the change and forming a new habit. It’s the period of greatest resistance and discomfort and where most people give up.
Being vulnerable and the pain period hurts. It’s embarrassing, difficult, and the first time you approach an attractive woman, or start/try something new chances are you’re going to be freaking out. And if it doesn’t work out it will be painful.
This is especially difficult if you’ve already had success in the past through performance or narcissism. Practicing vulnerability often means that you will have to get worse before you get better.
The more you’ve bottled up your emotions in life the more painful these actions are going to be. The less you talk about your shame the more you have of it.
You need to own your flaws and be ok with them not needing sympathy or validation. That is just who you are and it’s ok to be imperfect or have fears or traumas. Allow your rough edges.
We all have weaknesses, embarrassments, and vulnerabilities. A needy man is terrified to show them because he cares more about what others think about him than what he feels about himself. A non-needy man is comfortable showing his flaws because he’s more comfortable with how he feels about himself than how others feel about him.

Gift of Truth

The truth is always shining through. You can’t fake vulnerability and honesty.
Women have supreme intuition and sense perception so the fakeness and lines will not work
What you actually say doesn’t matter, why and how you say it is the true signal
Once you develop confidence and authenticity within yourself the lines you say will come out as honest and not needy
The ability and willingness to establish boundaries is inversely proportional to how needy you are. Men who are needy and lack vulnerability will keep their boundaries loose and open inviting manipulation into their lives and allowing people to walk over them. This is because they are more than willing to alter themselves in order to receive validation from the women they meet.
Men who are non-needy establish strict boundaries because they value their own time and happiness more than receiving attention from a woman. They also see no reason to trample over other people’s boundaries
When it comes to being more vulnerable the first step is often to begin establishing your own boundaries. Learn how to say no to people, particularly women. Start having opinions on what you like and don’t like, what you’ll tolerate and not tolerate. Be honest with yourself and honest with her.
The problem with forming strong boundaries is that in order to form them you have to be particularly aware of your own desires and emotions. Many men who have been needy their whole lives are not very self-aware. They don’t know what they are willing to stand up for and what they are not.
You must become comfortable with the idea of being inexperienced or anxious or whatever if you wish to get better and evolve.
Incompatibility is a fact of life and the majority of women are not going to be into you. Our job is not to attract every woman but to screen for women with a high potential of being attracted to who we really are
The world is what it is and its our job to present ourselves as boldly and clearly as possible, accept the reactions and move on to the opportunities. Any attempt to control the reactions of others or take some kind of power over the reactions you receive is both foolish and illusory.

Part 2: Strategy

Polarization

Rejection exists for a reason, it’s a means to keep people apart who are not good for each other
There are 3 categories of women: receptive, neutral, unreceptive
- Don’t waste time on unreceptive women, polarize quickly and move on if they are not into it
- For neutral women, they will never stay in this category but at the beginning can be in it, the goal with neutral women is to polarize them because if you don’t they will head to the friend zone
- Receptive women are attracted to you and they show it
Learn the fuck yes or no idea, I want women to say fuck yes once they’ve gotten to know me and if they aren’t excited to be with me I’m not interested anymore
The friend zone is the biggest time sink, 99% of the time nothing changes
If men have been friends with a woman for even a month or 2 without ever stating their sexual interest, it’s too late
The goal with women is to get them to stop being neutral as soon as possible
When you meet a receptive woman you escalate and move things forward
The percentage of women who are receptive to you will increase proportionally to the quality of your lifestyle, your social status, and your looks. The percentage of women that you’re able to move from neutral to receptive will be proportional to how well you can communicate and express yourself with women. And the ability to sort through each type of woman and meet as many as possible will be determined by how fearless and bold you are when it comes to meeting women.
Polarization is when you are bold about who you are, how you feel, and what you think and are able to express your interest and values with non-neediness
The most common strategy for men who are inexperienced is to try to be liked by all and hated by none but this is a horrible strategy for attraction
The men who employ this strategy are trying to avoid confrontation and conflict as they have been doing this most of their lives as a fear of vulnerability
Everything that is attractive is polarizing
You would be surprised how many women are attracted to a man who is bold and willing to stick his neck out
It often happens that when you approach women boldly and honestly stating directly that you think they are beautiful, despite rejection, the women are impressed and friendly
The biggest mental hurdle for many men is the ability to handle rejection

Rejection and Success

You should always want a highly emotional response compared to a boring and indifferent response. It’s polarizing. Polarizing is more important than being pleasant if you want romantic interest.
As with any type of failure, it’s not until you’ve been rejected enough times that you realize how insignificant it is and how you spent so much useless time worrying about nothing, and how you can act however you want
The reason men fear rejection is that they are operating on other people’s truths not their own. Men who fear rejection are usually oblivious to their own truth because if they were aware of their own desires, needs, and values, what would they have to be afraid of? Why would they hesitate to expose their vulnerability to others?
The most important thing to remember is rejection is not based on you it is based on the other person
This is why you pursue women based on our own truth and values and what we desire. This is why you polarize as soon as possible if you are interested sexually. This is why you approach to see if she fits our values and needs and not the other way around.
Most men who approach women are thinking “ I hope she likes me” instead of “lets see if she’s a fit for me” or “I wonder what she’s like”
Instead of thinking “ I hope she doesn’t reject me” think “ I hope I’ll find out if she’s right for me”
If someone rejects you it’s because they are not compatible with you
You screen through women by polarizing them. You polarize by sharing your truth openly and freely. When you do this women will either become incredibly attracted to you or will reject you. Either way, you win.
The first way of expressing our truth is developing a lifestyle that makes us happy. The second way is by being courageous and moving through fear and anxiety. And the third way is by communicating well and being uninhibited in our sexuality

3 Fundamentals

Honest living, honest action, and honest communication
Honest living. If your work or job in life is not actually important to you then you have a responsibility to yourself to change. Otherwise, you are always going to be unattractive and without purpose in life. If you are living 40 hours a week investing your identity in what other people want you to do and not what you want this is neediness. You need to straighten this out or you will be baseline needy and preventing yourself from meeting the amazing person you are meant for
Honest action is overcoming fear and anxiety around women. Our anxiety is another form in which we highly invest ourselves in others perceptions and avoid our truth
If you see a beautiful woman and have a desire to meet her to not take action is a form of being dishonest with yourself
If you’re standing in a bar and you see a woman who catches your interest and you keep looking at her all night because you’re afraid to initiate on a deep level you are being dishonest about your intentions and sexuality. You’re being overly invested in her and other’s opinions and are afraid to expose your vulnerability
You’re more invested in a woman rejecting you than your own desires in life
The ideal package is to become socially connected and fearless at the same time and have an awesome and attractive lifestyle

Part 3: Honest Living

Demographics

The theory of demographics is simple: like attracts like. You attract what you are.
When demographics don’t match up it causes friction and friction prevents attraction from turning into intimacy or sex
You can do all the social practicing you want but if values, lifestyle, and interests do not align it will be incompatible
It’s not until you develop a certain aspect of your personality or lifestyle that you will become attractive to them
It’s important to sit down and ask yourself some questions:
- What do you value in a woman?
- What do you value in yourself?
- What is a deal breaker?
  - Health conscious
  - Expression
  - Authenticity
  - Courage
  - Kindness/nurturing
  - Deep positive view of the world/sense of spirituality
  - Discipline & growth oriented
  - Sense of aliveness and wildness
  - Exercise and outdoor activity
  - Life long learner
  - Interested in financial and lifestyle freedom
- Where do these types of women hang out?
  - Gym
  - Yoga, meditation, spiritual events
  - Music festivals and concerts
  - Dance events
  - Beach events
  - Gardening/outdoor activities
  - Co-ed sports (volleyball)
  - Volunteer events
  - Art galleries
  - Business networking events

Success with women comes from narrowing down the demographic that you like and who will also like you and taking action on these events and people
Demographics affect every interaction you have with women. If there is too large of a demographic mismatch then the friction will be incredibly high and no matter how attractive you are she will not be able to connect with you
Our beliefs are reflected in our behavior, and behavior determines which (and how many) women are attracted to us
The only thing the women you date have in common is you. Your beliefs and behavior screen to attract these things to you
People tend to conform to what we expect of them
Looks and money increase your odds but women who only care about these things are not going to be women that are good for you anyway
You have to be something attractive instead of saying something attractive. If you get to the point where you are attractive it doesn’t matter what you say
Women are attracted to who you are and your identity. Words are only a way to buy enough time with someone to show them your core. Show not tell.
When you’re focused on performing rather than being yourself you become out of touch with who you are and what you want

Lifestyle & Presentation

Your outward appearance is a reflection of your self-investment and your level of self-investment will make you less needy toward others, therefore, making your behavior more attractive.
If you don’t put a lot of time and effort into how you look and present yourself to the world women look at that and make unconscious assumptions about your status as a man
Fashion and fitness (2 biggest factors of appearance)
- Fitness and fashion will do more to attract women in a shorter amount of time than anything else you can do. Being in decent shape and dressing well will make every phase of the process easier and smoother.
Rules to dressing well
- 1. Wear clothes that fit well
  - Most clothes are too large they need to fit properly
  - Fit is king and way more important than nice clothes
  - Go through the closet and pull out anything that doesn’t fit well
  - Know your measurements, get a tailor for measurements

2. Wear clothes that match
- Your belt should match your shoes
- Socks should match pants with dress pants
- Socks should match shoes with jeans

3. Dress to your personality
- Expression of your personality is key, be yourself not what other people want

An easy way to start is to pick a black set and a brown set
- Black shoes, belt, jacket
- Brown shoes, belt, jacket
- Then get a few pairs of designer jeans with lighter or darker washes and a dozen shirts
- Pick a pair of jeans, a nice shirt, and then throw on your black or brown set

Exercise and eat clean
Body language accounts for 60% of the communication between people
Body language will improve based on becoming less needy and getting exercise
Shoulders back, head up, and swagger in your step, look straight ahead and not down
Practice looking people in the eye as you walk by them and holding eye contact
- Make other people break eye contact with you first
- Do this until it becomes a habit
Vocal tonality or an expressive and loud voice is key
- We have a head voice and a chest voice
- Head voice does high notes and chest voice does low notes
- Head voice from throat and chest voice from diaphragm
- Remind yourself to speak from the chest voice until it becomes a habit
Attractive men are polarizing and uninhibited, they make their opinions known, and they follow their own unique interests and actions
Develop your own opinions and expressions and be able to talk in detail about them with sensual language

Part 4: Honest Action

What Are Your Stories?

We all tell ourselves stories
Maybe you tell yourself that you’re not even ready to meet women yet. You sit at home and read more books or tell yourself why later you will be ready
As time goes on it’s being proven that what you say isn’t important or how you approach isn’t that important it’s moving things forward without hesitation that matters
The only important skill is learning how to not buy into your bullshit self-sabotage, dropping the resistance to your own story, and taking action without apology or hesitation
Anxiety is a manifestation of neediness and an unwillingness to be vulnerable typically the needier you are in a certain area the more anxiety you’ll have in that area
When you are scared to talk to a beautiful girl it demonstrates a high level of investment in her opinion of you and a high level of neediness of her to approve of you which creates a fight or flight response to protect our fear of vulnerability
Porn harms your motivation to pursue women in real life. If you workout and improve your own self-image and stop watching porn all the time your motivation will increase
Successful men have high sex drives and they are able to channel that drive into their work and their accomplishments. Often abstaining from sex or masturbation for long periods of time to feel more energized
Limit masturbation to 1 day a week or once every few weeks and only masturbate to women you have met in person recently and have not had sex with. Take your time with it and practice sexual discipline

How to Overcome Anxiety

Extremely few people in the world actually enjoy being an asshole or hurting someone else’s feelings
Women are just as lonely and frustrated and want to meet a man who is confident, charming, fun, and willing to express themselves
- They are secretly rooting for you to be willing to be yourself and polarize them
- They are looking for a man who can make them feel alive
The role as a man is to take action and move things forward
This is where the vast majority of men falter. An action as simple as opening your mouth, moving your feet in the right direction, or picking up the phone-most men don’t do it. The fear and mental talk seem too much.
Attempting to avoid or shut down something we are afraid of only serves to make the fear stronger
Thinking about pressure and the situation and trying to be relaxed about it only makes you more nervous and anxious
The actual way to deal with it is to accept it, embrace it, and harness it to make your performance better. Don’t try to hide it from the woman you are meeting.
The fear never completely goes away but the neediness does and that’s what amplifies it to be unbearable
You need to get to a place where if you say something stupid or screw something up it doesn’t impact your self-image or how you feel about yourself and you can still express yourself and continue on confidently
The way to attack anxiety is through incremental consistent exposure, not single extreme exposure
If you stick with this then you’ll begin to get hooked on the adrenalin rush and actually enjoy the butterflies you get when you approach a new woman
Eventually, you’ll be able to approach any woman in any circumstance and express your interest in her without fear and without worrying about what to say or what line to use
Feeling fear and acting despite it builds courage. Anytime you are afraid to do something and feel some force yet push through it you’re building courage within yourself
Courage is a habit, courage is discipline, it’s taking a certain action even though you feel like doing something else
Bold actions require a lot of vulnerability and build non-neediness
The bolder your action the greater attraction you’re going to create. The bolder the action, the more vulnerability you show, and the more you polarize responses
Great boldness=greater polarization
Whenever in doubt err on the side of assertiveness, and choose boldness, if you wait around for the safer and less bold opportunity to make a move chances are the attraction will be less and even dwindle

Part 5: Honest Communication

Your Intentions

In interactions, your intention has to be honest, genuine, and not to try and get a certain result. How things come off is all about intention.
When complimenting a woman or expressing yourself in order to be vulnerable it has to be done not with the intention to get something out of it but just to be honest about how you feel putting yourself on the line
When a man compliments a woman out of neediness it’s going to make the woman feel uncomfortable and objectified. If a man compliments a woman out of genuine appreciation she’s going to hear his intention and be genuinely appreciative of him
A man who is extremely needy will have intentions dominated by seeking validation and approval and will therefore be unattractive regardless of just about anything he says. A man who is non-needy will have intentions dominated by vulnerability and will therefore be attractive regardless of what he says
What you actually talk about has far less influence on your results than your intentions
Creepiness is behaving in a way that makes a woman feel insecure sexually
If your actions and words are completely out of line with your intentions a girl can see that….be authentic
The more comfortable you are with women finding you creepy and the more uninhibited and vulnerable your actions and words are around women, and the more aware you are of their interests and desires the less likely they will be to find you creepy. The more reserved and closed up you are about your intentions the more you attempt to manipulate her or mislead her about what you want and who you are, the more you disregard her feelings and actions toward you the more likely you are to be creepy
Flirting is expressing your sexuality to a woman in a way that makes her feel secure expressing her sexuality back towards you
Sexual tension comes from teasing and boldness. Teasing generates sexual tension because it creates uncertainty if you like them or not and shows you are not needy. Boldness is polarizing because it shows you have the balls to put yourself out there and be a man to take control. Women are turned on by being desired and when men are vulnerable. It makes them aroused.
If you just stay in small talk the whole time there is no tension created and it doesn’t create any uncertainty or polarization of emotions
If the man goes the bold and vulnerable route and is willing to risk rejection he is rewarded by creating massive amounts of sexual tension because in a single stroke, you have transported the context away from “what do we talk about next” to “what will he say or do with me next”
The blueprint of seduction= a strong high status attractive exterior (lifestyle/looks), fearless, and able to open up and share your vulnerable side with her. Women get weak in the knees for this shit.
It’s the combination of masculine tenacity with vulnerability that creates the desire
Connecting happens on an emotional level
A lack of good social behaviors are linked to your anxiety. You can resolve them from both sides of the equation, fixing your outer behaviors and working on your internal issues

How to Improve Flirting

Most of the time you get a quick attraction with women who are into you
The exact words you say are far less important than your intentions and level of anxiety
Just be direct and honest with your approach as sitting around thinking about what to say will be needy
The best approaches are spontaneous where you walk up and say hello or state why you wanted to say hi
Don’t linger, it guarantees that you will make it more awkward and forced
You should be motivated by nothing but your desire to get to know a beautiful girl
All the opener is trying to do is stop them and get them to talk to you for a second. It’s your conversation skills that get that second to turn into a minute and that minute to turn into an hour
The key is getting into an open-ended question and then listening so that you can create jump-off points to express yourself and go down rabbit holes
Conversations only end when one person says something to which the other person has no jump off points. If you teach yourself to recognize jump off points and take advantage of them you’ll be able to sustain a conversation almost indefinitely
Combine that skill with the ability to cold read and create threads out of thin air by making statements and you will develop a skill to begin and control any conversation with anybody for any length of time
Humor is important because it conveys attraction since a man who can laugh easily at the world and who isn’t afraid to laugh at himself conveys a sense of non neediness while making a woman feel good around him. A man who is too serious and unable to laugh at himself or the world conveys that he is heavily invested in the perceptions of the world around him and is therefore needy
The ideal tease will create a mixture of emotions in a girl: defensiveness yet happiness. The ideal reaction is when the girl will say “oh my god, I can’t believe you said that” but will be laughing at the same time
- A woman by herself in the corner….”So, who put you in timeout”
- A woman waving at the bartender with a dollar …”is that how you always get men to pay attention to you”
Teasing polarizes hard and quick so be ok with intense reactions
Women who don’t appreciate being teased really appreciate genuine compliments

The Dating Process

Only ask a woman for her number is she seems genuinely attracted and interested in you and if you want to actually hang out with her again
When you ask, just ask, you are not needy
If the girl is not willing to clear her schedule or do something different to meetup then cut it off as anyone who is seriously interested would

Physicality and Sex

Women are turned on by being wanted or desired
A man who is willing to sacrifice and go to physical and mental extremes for a woman turns her on
Women want to be taken to spiritual and physical ecstasy and be united into bliss
Women want to be desired to where a man passionately loses control with them and has an insane desire for them where the man loses awareness and self-control
The more assertively you pursue a woman the more aroused she becomes. There’s something magical about uninhibited physicality when being with a woman
You have to get physical with women early and often and even if they don’t reciprocate try again. Always be going for it
Unless a girl clearly stops you and says no you’ve got to go for it. Women love physicality and raw sexual energy, it makes them feel beautiful and sexy.
Most men who are poor with women are not sexually dominant. That needs to stop because you are a sexually attractive and assertive man and you have no shame about expressing that sexuality. Women prefer and want this.
The more foreplay there is the better the sex will be
Foreplay is teasing and expectation
The most important thing in sex is being dominant as sexual gratification for women is far more psychological than physical. A large portion of this satisfaction comes from being dominated and surrendering control. They want you to be assertive and powerful with what you want and show your power.
How to become dominant:
- 1. Be loud, make noise and let go. This allows women to feel like they can be loud and helps them to get off more
- 2. Talk dirty and call her names. This may be outside of your comfort zone but realize in the bedroom the rules change and logic goes out the window
- 3. Get physical. Spank her, pick her up when changing positions, pull her hair, hold her down
- 4. Don’t ever ask if she wants to do something. Do it and stop later if she doesn’t like it and apologize. Nothing turns a girl off faster than a guy who defers to her too much while having sex. Do what turns you on and that will turn her on.
The most important habit to develop in the bedroom is to talk and be expressive
If you can get a girl to laugh she’ll forget she’s in a strange position and forget that you screwed up and just be with you laughing
Sexual anxiety problems stem from a larger problem of not being completely comfortable with your sexuality and having sex. It’s a vulnerability issue. This problem reaches deep into our subconscious. A solution is to have sex more often or get a steady girlfriend.

Summary Action Plan Steps:

Foundational
1. Join a gym and start getting in better shape
2. Upgrade your wardrobe
3. Get a nice haircut
4. Work on work motivation, purpose, and finding the right work
5. Pursue one or two community social hobbies regularly
  1. Dance classes
  2. Speaking
  3. Yoga
  4. Surf or volleyball groups
Meeting women (complete ⅘)
1. Figure out demographics
  1. Find the right events to go to where people of similar interests go
2. Meet 5 women in one day
3. Meet 20 women in one week
4. Join an online dating site and email 10 women
5. Do a singles or speed dating event
Getting to know women (⅔)
1. Hold at least 3 30 minute conversations with women you just met
2. Get three phone numbers from women you just met
3. Go on two dates
Getting intimate (⅔)
1. Kiss two women
2. Go on a second date with the same woman
3. Successfully get a woman back to your place
Oh, You Mack Daddy (optional)
1. Have sex with a woman you met that same day/night
2. Have sex with a woman on the first date
3. Kiss three women the day/night you meet them

Models by Mark Manson Summary